I had a ‘yumcha’ – drinking session with my old friend.
She had other friends on the table as well.
All of them were Chinese speaking, mostly Mandarin.
Both of us tried to converse the best we could.

On our journey back,
“Woah, I had no idea your Mandarin was so good.”
“No, la. Yours better.”

Both of us continued to express our surprise at each other’s vast improvement on the language.

For as long as we could remember, we only spoke Cantonese and smattering English to each other.

The last time we heard each other speaking Mandarin was back in primary school.
So, you can imagine our surprise!

#########################################

My bro asked me.
"From the scale of 1 to 10 , what is the possibility of you giving up your studies again? Ten being the most likely."

I immediately said 1.

I think I was trying to convince myself.

I really hope it's working.

The little kid kept running back and forth,
asking if I want milo ice, orange or watermelon juice.
The four-year-old even asked me if I want my tables wiped.
I smiled in amusement knowing that he's playing a make-believed pretense game.

He has working parents.
His days are just school, tuition and if he's lucky, a bit of tv.
Perhaps, the only activity he could truly enjoy was eating out with his parents.
Therefore, he sees people serving food to be 'happiest' job there is.
I think this kid is only exposed to that kind of fun in life.

Lately, everywhere I go,
I see glimpse of physical similarity of the people I know in the past.
I read that this is a symptom of old age.
Someone who reminisces too much.

That’s quite a problem.
I’m looking behind too often.
Hardly confident that there is something FORWARD worth looking to.
But I’m praying…

I saw him.
I looked away, fearing that our eyes may meet.

I don't mean to be rude, but I'm just too uncomfortable with myself right now.

Both of us stayed back in this place for the worst reasons.
I think neither of us wants to explain to each other why.

I think he 'd agreed too.

Coz' he looked away too.

The library has changed.
The rooms have changed.
I had to remake my ID card.
My photocopier card doesn't work anymore.

When I see the physical changes around me,
even the mere changes in the calendar dates,

I know time has flown a great deal.

But when I recall memories.
The exact things that used to take place here.
It felt so close.

Yet, clearly.
It has left me far away.

I did something nice today.

I offered a perfect stranger a ride to the bus stop.

Only when she got down the car, I realised that I was too careless.

She sat next to my bag throughout the journey.
She could have stolen something.

I stopped the car to check.
I felt guilty by the previous anxiety.
My suspicious mind was corrupted by the nature of a few bad apples.

It was a good deed.

Today is my first day.

October 18.

What a coincidence.
It was this day when I first stepped into that ward.
The day when it all started.


It kept playing in my head all day.

It's 4.51 am.
I have less than two hours left to sleep.
And yet, I can't.

I don't know why.


Tomorrow will be my first day of my final attempt to finish what I had so mistakenly started.

A degree.

The journey of this stupid pursue is really silly.
Or perhaps I'm just silly.


I just want to get on with it.

It's always hard to return to your dark past.

I went back to the place where it all started.

Things have changed of course.

The students looked so young.

A clear indication that I have aged.

More in the inside that out, I 'm afraid.

I really need to seriously upgrade my dress sense.

Just before we leave the house,

Sis = "Er, aren't you changing?"

On separate incident,

Bro = "Are you on your 'going out' clothes already?


I don't know what is the right response, but I heartily laughed.

Bro is at home.
He took out two comic books at hand one each to myself and sis.

I felt like a little girl once again where my 'kor kor' will give things to me and sis,

that little age where I'll do all his bidding.

With memory and imagination,

I felt like this...

My emotions are as volatile as life itself.

My old friend came to visit me.

We went for supper and talked crap.

Laughed.
A LOT.

Suddenly, in the midst of all this sadness,

I once again sense a glimmer of hope.

I cried.

After all this while, I 'm still living with Evil.

Many people asked me details about Evil.

I don't know where to start.
Should I repeat the crazy things Evil said/says to me?
Testify the kind of abuse I've been through?

All the details which I try so hard to forget?

I don't need anyone to pity me or be 'on my side' anyway.
I just want to forget...

Was watching Project Runway Malaysia on tv.

One guy was selected to 'leave' the stage.

As usual, he gets to speak to the camera.

"Before this, I never had close Malay friends. But now, I have two very close Malay friends. Hatta and Fitri, I will miss your jokes very much!"

Sis and I looked at each other and went,

AWW............

I watched with great delight at how two brothers were sharing their ice-creams.

Both no more than 8 years, but they have reached an unspoken agreement on how they divide their ice-creams.

One was holding a stick ice-cream.

The other, a cup.

One sucked his ice-cream stick a few seconds before jabbing it into his brother's mouth.

The other scooped a few into his own mouth before jabbing the ice-cream spoon into his brother's.

Such co-operation.
Such understanding.

"Maybe they're too burnt out with reality that they are no longer familiar with the most common form of kindness."

"Wah, I really like the way she put it..." - a friend was impressed.


I was like, giggling inside.
Trying my hardest to act cool.
So pleased that I had actually said something of substance.

There was a little frog which jumped out of the pile of papers.

Scared both sis and myself.

We equipped ourselves with brooms to usher that little one outside.
However, the frog seemed to have lost its direction and kept jumping back inside.

Two full grown adults armed with brooms screaming with fright over the little amphibian is really a laughable sight.

After the whole incident, I laughed.
A real guffaw.

It must have been more frightened than us.
If only it knew....

The kind of emotions it is capable evoking from us.

I've not been able to concentrate in my readings.

This is serious.

I worry.

There are times where months have passed, and yet I have no memory of what I've done during that period.
It's as if nothing at all happened.

BUT...

There are times where it was only 2-3 days,

and yet, the memory vividly lasts a lifetime.

written at 2am-Bangkok time

**a retype of what I wrote on the dressing table at 2am two months ago**

Irene is dead asleep under alcohol influence. I think the play the group performed tonight disappointed Mejar. He worked the hardest. I know he had high hopes for it. L's team was too strong. Everyone was extremely 'sporting', including Shirl and Aunty! I do feel sad that I somewhat let my team down for not 'participating' fully. L is really a player. I amuse myself thinking that I used to have a different idea of him.

I just experienced a deja vu. It was a dream where I took off in a helicopter.

Media boss bought me a Tiger beer (I egoistically refused to order Coke) and gave me a fatherly figure advice. To men, sex is just another sneeze.

*****************************

I went to bed,
thanking God for such a great time.

An old college mate invited me out for a drink.
She seriously wanted a career change and only God knows why she thought I could assist her in this area.
Anyway, back to my story.
I told her what I’ve been doing since we last met.

It was a good time, really.
It was like a recap for the year.
Let’s just say the meet-up gave me something to write about.

I realized that the short stint at the advertising was truly a blessing.
I was so consumed over the loss of it that I didn’t really count my blessings that I got it at the first place.
I began to recall how I felt the night before I left for Bangkok.
How I felt
• during the journey to the airport,
• when I had breakfast while waiting excitedly for other colleagues to arrive,
• when the plane took off,
• when I tried a few Thai phrases with a very handsome flight attendant,
• when I jumped on the bed in the hotel room,
• when I watched with bewildered amusement at the Thai tv channels,
• as I watched my colleagues performed on stage,
• writing at 2am on the dressing table in the hotel room,
• at the conference table, observing all the geniuses doing their work,
• when Mejar had tried so hard to include me in all their group work and not let me look like a fool (believe me, this requires real hard work),
• when I was in the midst of the silliest joke told in the week.

Of course, there are some unpleasant incidents which I must learn from as well.
But overall, it was good.

I ask the good Lord this, “What’s next?”

My brother is home to visit.
I love it when family is near, well… there are exceptions.
I love it when my brother tells me interesting “Did-you-know facts”

Like how the people who live in faraway rural areas have better sense of hearing
because they are not subjected to the ‘technological noise’ like we do.

I teased my bro.
I asked how he would react if a girl flirted with him. I proceeded to play that part.
Then, he pretended to punch me in the face.

Ah…

All three of us siblings were watching ShinChan, the Indonesian version on tv. (don’t ask)
I asked, “If bisa means boleh, then what is poison in Indonesian?”
My sis answered, ‘Racun.’
She illustrated her answer with an old Indonesian song.

I saw that my siblings are very charming in their own way.

I know there must be something for me to learn.

There must be something more.

Will I be able to step up to it?

*************************

I've been thinking hard on a good post...
but just haven't got one.

I nudged my friend to look at the terribly mismatched couple.
"The guy looks like some illegal Bangladeshi construction worker, short,dark and ugly. But the girl looks like some teen magazine cover!Fair, pretty and taller than him by a head!"

"So bad!! Next time you get a very handsome boyfriend and when you walk around with him, then you'd know how it feels to be judged."

All I heard was 'very handsome boyfriend'.
Er, ok... I don't mind...

*********************************

But she got me thinking.
I have this nasty habit of looking at couples and passing comments in my head.

Yes.
That's very bad of me...

I was in an exceptionally good mood today.

Finally said my goodbye .
The weirdest goodbye ever.
I deleted the number.
Along with many other.

I've been trying to get ideas on what to write.
I badly wanted a more 'positive' post updated here.

Criminal Minds - Dr Reid was very traumatised by his abduction in the last episode.
Good ol' Detective Morgan forced him to talk about it.
"What am I going to do about it?"

The golden advice.

"Use it to be a better person."


--how many of us can do that?
processing a bad experience to make ourselves a better person?