Today, a perfect stranger gave me encouragement.
Oddly, although she's highly educated, I can't make her to understand the seriousness of my state of mind.
She kept repeating that I 'simply lack of confidence'.
How I wish...

But it was nice to chat with her during that brief few minutes.

Lately, I've been cutting out obituaries/deaths/suicide reports and pasting them in my scrapbook.


Yeah, I'm so weird.

Forgive me.
Though I know not my fault.
And yet I know I bear the blame.
For the shame I carry.

Spare me.
From the cruel mortal judgments.
That only few can triumph them.
Please sense the kindness I still humbly carry.

Release me.
From the cruelty mankind is destined to bear.
For I'm not the few who will soar.
But those who will hide in despair.

I didn't know I had the pride which it's such a liability to carry.

You know the part of the movie where the main character finally realises that it's all in his/her mind?
That it's not real.

IT's ALL fake....

I don't remember any happy ending from there..

Blogs are my essential companions when I'm alone.
They have the ability to play with my various emotions.
At the moment, I just saw a stranger's blog which have made me feel like crap.

Feeling so... useless...
Like, the only thing to do is to curl up and cry...

Psst!
My sis gestured me to take a look.
She was on a chair sneaking a glimpse through brother's room.
Brother keeps his room strictly sanctified to himself.
No one is allowed to even look.
It's an uncomfortable practice that the family has to put up with since his teens.

As I approached her, I knew it can't be good.
I climbed next to her.
I had expected the worst and yet I couldn't help my heart from sinking.
I saw this similar sight 4 years ago when I visited him, back in those days when he rented a room outside home.
But this time, *head shaking* I really can't find new words to describe.
-weird- worrying- disturbing-

He was a very different person when he was in his teens.
How could this happen?
How could I not blame my parents?
How could it not be their fault?
My bro, sis... me...
How could they...?

Thank you.
I can't believe you're reading this.
No false humility but it's really quite flattering to know that there are people who would read such self-absorbed blog.
So...
er...thanks.

I went to McD this afternoon.
It was freaking hot! Therefore, any air-conditioned place is haven.
I sat there and wrote 4 letters to penpals I found on the penpal-international website.
I wrote, paused, stared.
So, it took me more than 2 hours to complete.

I hardly leave home these days.
But I'm slowly pulling up my socks.
I must continue.

** I was interrupted by news that a family's friend's 24-year-old daughter is having some psychiatric problems, believed to be triggered by a failed BGR. Honestly, I don't know what to feel....

I heard my brother grinding his teeth in his sleep.
When awake,I recognised the pursed lips and faraway stare on my sibling's face.

I feel it too.
I can identify but not make sense of it.
I see him seeking for TRUTH too, at various corners.
I think the attempt alone is part of the truth.
Perhaps he is closer than he thinks.

Perhaps I too...

I made a mistake.
And I was generously forgiven.
May I never forget this.
I really need to recover, improve...
step up...


Meow... like always, you're right.

I bought this plant with high hopes and aspirations.
Water it, fertilize it, even talked to it.
I even named it 'Elizabeth'.

But it died.
The branches just fell.
I scrutinized the branches.
It had worms.

My Elizabeth...
*sniff...
What did I do wrong? or didn't do enough?

I've always been the odd one.
The strange, weird one.

...yup, I'm that one....

On two isolated occasions,I received very constructive criticism from two very qualified(they were there thick and thin) old friends.
Out of genuine concern, they took time to make the points clear to me.
I've been digesting them since then.

Thank you friends.
I pray that your efforts will not go in vain.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war and a time of peace.

I was feeling really lousy today.
Asking myself really self-pity questions like,

“What am I doing here?”
“Am I really made for this?”
“Maybe I will be more productive doing something else?”
I let my imagination take its wildest course and I saw myself doing administrative work.
‘Well, at least I have scheduled working hours’
I even saw myself positioned in a bookstore.
‘Well, I will definitely benefit the customers there.’

I was looking at the same page of work for hours.
I even took time off to chat via msn.
“maybe you have a writer’s block,” she consoled.

I typed the last word and click print.
I couldn’t even bear rereading it again.
Passed it to boss.

Minutes later, I heard his shouting.
“Oh uh. Time to pay my dues,” I thought.

“This is what I call creative writing!”

I’m smiling.
Maybe this is…

This is from PostSecret.

"I wish that the happiness of others will always be enough to outweigh the miseries of my own life."


such a kind message from a person who have lived a cruel life.

Matthew 6:27-"See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. - Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.-If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?-For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. -But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.-Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's not sympathy nor understanding nor support nor approval I'm after.
Or maybe it's simply because I haven't got anyone to offer some to me.

I'm worried.
=(

I just sat up and stared.
Minutes passed.
I dragged myself out of bed.

I'm lost.
I don't know where I'm heading.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what's my issue.

..........I don't know.
I simply don't know.

My colleague accidentally opened one of my personal files in my thumbdrive.

A visit from the past.

"God, please close it."
He was also surprised at my reaction.

Apparently the wound hasn't heal.

I kept yelling at him to let the string roll each time there is wind, or not all his effort in running will go in vain.

But did he listen?
No...
He just ran and ran. But he enjoyed running so much.
He didn't seem to mind that his kite didn't reach higher.
I think he's happy just the way it is.

His running didn't go in vain.