As I opened the car door, I stepped on something really mushy.
I immediately retracted my foot.
I looked at it.
OMG , it's moving.
At first, I thought it's a rat.
But why is it struggling like that?
Looked closer, it's a newly born kitten!

Later that night, I could still hear that poor kitten whimpering for its mother.
I searched the house but couldn't find any old baby bottles although I'm sure my mom keeps them.
Sigh...
I made some milk - out of powder and used a little plastic spoon to feed that poor little one.
Poor thing, its eyes aren't even opened yet but its mother had abandoned it.

As soon as it felt the milk, that poor creature rushed towards my direction which startled me very much because I thought it was too weak for such strength.
My heart broke seeing that it's not capable of drinking the milk from the tiny plastic spoon.
It's the mother's warmth and tits that this little un needs.

How is this little creature going to survive when its own mother isn't there?

I was sitting at the pub, wondering how did I end up there.
My bosses were having a gala time.
My seniors were letting out all their stress, converting into guffaws and bit gulps of alcohol.

I left with the cleaning lady at 10.30pm which is translated as VERY early to the rest of the crowd.

I'm home now, about to sleep.
Am still wondering the same thing...

How am I going to fit in?

A friend of my sister's told her that I'm just as talkative as my sis.
This disturbs me.
I was that talkative?
Opps..
She said that being around me, she need not think of what to say ...
Yikes...

Watched Harry Potter - Order of the Phoenix preview yesterday.
Towards the end of the movie,
Voldermort was manipulating Harry's poor mind with all the dark thoughts, confusing him with genuine memories.

All the thoughts that we, ourselves possess in our daily lives.
Harry fought back that manipulation with his own personal happy memories.

The way the flashbacks played in his head were very touching.

Friends and love ones hugging him.

Laughter , and the sight of people he cares most about.

The kind of image that we hope will play in our own minds as our whole lives flash beyond our eyes before we die.

How many of us have that sort of conscious memory ready in store?

I worry, what might flash in my mind second before death.
Would my sub-conscious mind surprise me?
A pleasant surprise , I hope.

I walked up the stairs for the first time as an employee.
I smelled a scent.
It's very familiar.
I could identify the scent very quickly.
Much quicker than my previous attempt.

I smelled that back when I was a waitress at the Japanese restaurant.

...........That's how I know that I'll stick around this time.

I joined an eating contest today.
When I saw two other contestant gobbling down their last muffins,
I voluntarily gave up and just chew the remains in my mouth nonchalantly.

I was given a Kenny Rogers meal voucher as a consolation.

Yes.
It was fun.
Will definitely try again.

The popularity of perfume is down to its feel-good factor - it can uplift and transform us. Smell is the most powerful of all our senses: it provides the quickest chemical responses in the brain and is closely associated with our emotions. Smells encountered in childhood can be lodged into the memory and reawaken years later. Often you'll be aware of the memory before the aroma which evoked it: you can find yourself involuntarily reliving an experience and not pick-up on the connection between the smell and the memory.
Source http://www.fuk.co.uk/history/fuk1/perfume.html


My favourite time of the day.
I was relaxing on bed, listening to the radio.
Then, I smelled it.
I couldn't point my finger to it.

What is it? Where have I smelled it before?

What is it reminding me of?

Why am I captured by this?

Then it dawned to me.
It reminded me of my stay at my aunty's home back in Penang, many many years ago.

If I could bottle this scent, I would name it STABILITY ; PEACE

I was at my hometown.
I strolled around,

looking at the massive change of modernization.

The place has evolved into a very fast-paced vibrant town.

But in my mind,
'I hate this place, I hate this place'.

My thoughts travelled to the movie, DaVinci Code.
When Sophie said she hates history, Langdon replied,

"Nobody hates history. We only hate our history."

I agree.
The place is very beautiful.
I don't hate the place.

I hate the memories it retrieved from me each time I in it.

The Different Sides of Ourselves

We tend to react very differently at various situations, due to the many roles we play, and the 'colorful' people we deal with all the time.

• being very annoyed at very petty things which you readily admit that you are also occasionally guilty of committing.
• fiercely scolding a person who clearly deserves it, (which you'll never feel sorry for)
• doing selfless charity work.
• being cruel because it's best but hating yourself so
• keeping quiet though you know you could have made a difference.
• feeling guilty for being too harsh at someone.
• portraying a very confident communicator/public speaker.
• demonstrates conviction in both mentality and actions
• demonstrates good leadership skills.
• succumbing to pressure of the majority/ superiority
• allowing yourself to be short-changed/bullied (because you didn't want any trouble)
• giving up your opinions / beliefs for the sake of priorities.

I'm sure all of us find ourselves familiar with similar situations above.

The question is,

Which side of us ; can best signify who we ARE?

I think yesterday was the most fruitful day of my entire 6 months of 2007.

I was at M's cell group meeting and during prayer time, a newly acquainted friend prayed for me.

"Lord, please direct her path as you have blessed her with writing talent...."


I was dumbstruck.

It's not often I am connected to words like 'blessed' and 'talent' together in a sentence.

...........................................................

It's my first time venturing job interviews after the FALL.

I was going over many preparational thoughts in my head before going in.

And like many things we planned, it always turned out differently.

*Fingers crossed*

###############################

I wore make-up today.
Shaped eyebrow and styled my hair with some leave-on conditioner .

I was very nervous when I left the house.
I didn't really look at myself enough.

Right before I enter the interviewer's room,
I looked at myself once more at the mirror.

I was very surprised at my appearance.
I looked so different.

I thought I looked............................

nice. ^_^

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
-Kahlil Gibran

I have very little or perhaps no confidence at all within myself.

Previously I had worked in jobs which many would agree that it's beneath what I've been educated for.
But due to my crumbs of remaining self-worth, I was actually complacent with the position.

Until lately.

Perhaps due to my exposure to the outside world and no longer hiding in my house - My confidence grew a little and I had attempted to apply for writing jobs.

Was called up for interviews and now I'm sweating.

Wish me luck.

I have insurmountable respect for people who take their work very seriously.
It's easy to spot them.
They're the ones who actually CARE about their service, products, customers, complaints.... etc..

Those highest in my list are usually those in the lower level of hierarchy.
Despite the lack of respect the general public has towards them, they still hold great pride in their work.

I've witness with great admiration -

• A security guard rearranging the bank forms, picking up litter, directing 'lost' customers.
• A security guard getting people in a government hospital to take numbers in a queue , later explaining in his own microphone voice about the flawed system and how we, the patients should understand.
• Genuine smiles and little chats from customer service people.

I've witness with great distaste -

• Rich people taking tons of bank documents, Ikea pencils (intended for one-per-customer to fill out their order), toilet paper. They don't need those stuff, they simply do it because they can.
• People who talk down unto others thinking that they're more superior. (delusional)
• Smart mouth people who openly criticise or behave disrespectfully thinking that the opposite party didn't hear/ couldn't understand/ wouldn't be hurt by their actions.

If I could have ONE gift, it would be the gift of the movie, "Shallow Hal" - to be able to see another person's true worth, inside- out.

after 2 weeks of scratching the dark red itchy rash all over my body, I was hoping that the Doc will start to take me more seriously.

Instead, it was another jab on the arm, ( which left me momentarily half paralysed) and the same old medicine.

Two days.

I'm giving it another two days before I seek a different opinion.

I have an American E-pal who is also a struggling mental-patient.
Though she has access to better health care and support, she remains very understanding of my situation.

I tell her everything that is in my mind - Unedited.
It was in her strong opinion that I'm not ready to function 'outside' and needs to spend more time 'recovering'.

I know she means well.
I also know that she'd agree with me that

in the 'world' I'm living,

there's no patience nor understanding sufficient enough

for me to take time off for 'recovery'.

All my life, till now even - I've always felt stupid, inadequate, the odd one, unworthy... simply - LOST.

Even if you see me now , you'd agree that I look very blur.

So, when I receive praises like these...

"You can really write very well." " You're talented." "You've really got something going on." "You have a lot on the ball."

It's comforting to receive them but immediately I ask myself,

"if so, then why am I in this current sad state?"

Marriage.

Due to the fact that I'm the offspring of the UNhappiest and CRAziest marriage ever, this word scares the hell out of me.

But still,
I believe that there are marriages that DO work out.
Marriages that ARE truly happy.

Back in college, I met an ex-schoolmate who then told me her plans to study this .. pursue this...
Then months later, BAM! Through email, she told me that she's already married and expecting a baby girl soon.
*calculating with fingers* Baby Hannah must be at least 5 years old now.

Just today, also via E-mail, a another peer told me she's already registered. So, she's also a married woman - legally.

W-O-W...........

I believe that once you're above 18 onwards, any age number is suitable for marriage.
As it's a personal matter, only your own personal timing will be the RIGHT timing.
There were several times I debatted with friends about the 'RIGHT' time.

All the age calculations, all the emotional 'insurance'.
Yes, all the criterias are very rational .

But nobody can calculate the one main ingredient that makes us want to marry.

Your love for your partner.

How do we calculate that?
No math genius can calculate the estimated appreciation and depreciation and the risks involves and the kind of insurance we have buy upon it.

I'm sure everyone really meant their wedding vows, everyone did hope that 'till death do us part'.
But in the end, we can't calculate the feelings for each other in the coming years ahead.

However, I remain surprisingly optimistic.

There are so many types of risk in life.

This risk of marriage is definitely worth taking.

I was chatting with an online pal.
I replied,

"Society is very unforgiving and intolerant of anything out of their own norm"

Then, he cut and pasted it in his msn message.

--Felt a teeny wee bit flattered but got over it very quickly because I know it's a very UNoriginal statement.