With my eyes still fixed to the computer screen, I reached out my hand, ready to take the book from a student.
The soft-touch surprised my palm.
I turned to look.

The little girl held my hand.
She thought that I reached out my hand for hers !
She didn't realised I wanted her book.
So endearing !
The innocence, the purity... such bliss.

I finally have my own place.
I have finally detached myself from the toxicity of my family both

physically, mentally and emotionally.

You know that scene in "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams kept repeating to Matt Damon, "It's not your fault..."

I'm finally allowing myself to agree with that statement.

It's time to heal...

I'm healing.

Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility

By Brianna Wiest

What happened to you was not your fault.

It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved.

What happened to you was not fair.

You were merely collateral damage on someone else’s warpath, an innocent bystander who got wrecked out of proximity.

We are all traumatized by life, some of us from egregious wrongdoings, others by unprocessed pain and sidelined emotions. No matter the source, we are all handed a play of cards, and sometimes, they are not a winning hand.

Healing is our responsibility because if it isn’t, an unfair circumstance becomes an unlived life.

Healing is our responsibility because unprocessed pain gets transferred to everyone around us, and we are not going to allow what someone else did to us to become what we do to those we love.

Healing is our responsibility because we have this one life, this single shot to do something important.

Healing is our responsibility because if we want our lives to be different, sitting and waiting for someone else to make them so will not actually change them. It will only make us dependent and bitter.

Healing is our responsibility because “healing” is actually not returning to how and who we were before, it is becoming someone we have never been — someone stronger, someone wiser, someone kinder.

When we heal, we step into the people we have always wanted to be. We are not only able to metabolize the pain, we are able to affect real change in our lives, in our families, and in our communities. We are able to pursue our dreams more freely. We are able to handle whatever life throws at us, because we are self-efficient and assured. We are more willing to dare, risk, and dream of broader horizons, ones we never thought we’d reach.

The thing is that when someone else does something wrong and it affects us, we often sit around waiting for them to take the pain away, as though they could come along and undo what has been done.

We fail to realize that in that hurt are the most important lessons of our lives, the fertile breeding ground upon which we can start to build everything we really want.

We are not meant to get through life unscathed.

We are not meant to get to the finish line unscarred, clean and bored.

Life hurts us all in different ways, but it is how we respond — and who we become — that determines whether a trauma becomes a tragedy, or the beginning of the story of how the victim became the hero.

By Brianna Wiest

Taken from Humans of Bombay

..I started seeing a Navy officer. He loved how bold I was, but when he proposed to me, he wanted me to leave my job. But I got the opportunity to direct my first T- series video -- I couldn’t let go of that, so we broke up.
I went into depression, but I’d left him to grow my career, so I wanted it to be worth it. I yanked myself out and decided to move to Mumbai and start my Ad agency in 2012.
I grew it from nothing to an agency with 2+ crore turnover within a couple of years!

I live alone now in my dream house! I wouldn’t have been here had I let my experiences weigh me down -- but I just want the beautiful women around me to understand that life is more than men. Before anything else, we must give the love, loyalty and respect that we so often crave in others… to ourselves.

After all, the relationship you’ve been in the longest is with yourself

… so why not make that the best one?”

Taken from Humans of Bombay

He’s always looking out for Rishabh and if someone is mean to either of them, he’ll go and hug that person! He has the biggest heart. If I’ve had a long day at work and haven’t eaten, he’s the only one who knows. I don’t know how he does it! But he’ll go to the kitchen, grab a plate, some food, and stay beside me until I eat! He makes everyone around him feel so loved and happy.
And he’s doing things himself that no coach thought possible -- he’s an ace swimmer who’s won so many local competitions that he wants to compete in the Paralympics! He also runs races and loves them so much that even after crossing the finish line… he keeps running with the biggest smile on his face!
Whether it’s running to dad because he forgot his tiffin or giving his granddad his medicine box every night, he has so much love to give! He looks after us far more than we look after him.
Still, I’ve seen kids in the neighbourhood ask their parents why Bhargav behaves the way he does. It makes me really sad when they say, ‘Because he’s sick.’ He isn’t sick...he’s just himself and so happy with the world around him.

Honestly, we could all be a little more like Bhargava– 

who loves the world, and accepts it far better than it’s accepted him.”

Brazilian artist Tatiane Freitas blends classic and contemporary design for her MyNew Old Chair series. In a twist on kintsugi—a Japanese tradition where fractured pottery is repaired with gold—broken furniture is revitalized through the addition of acrylic resin. The resulting contemporary, yet vintage, pieces demonstrate a harmony of opposing forces. In fact, it’s this push and pull that interests the artist. By harnessing the memory of what was, and adding to the empty space, she at once honors the past, yet leaves room for future memories.

Her mixing of materials demonstrates a “clear wish to create pieces which will endure the harshness of time, and therefore bring to their new owners the memories evoked in her, many lost in history.” Freitas, who recently showed work at Guy Hepner in New York, succeeds in highlighting the original wood material. This is owed to her creative selection of translucent acrylic, which renders the pieces functional and modern, yet melts away visually. Thus, old and new coexist harmoniously, proving that these opposing themes are not mutually exclusive—causing viewers to ruminate on what the word “broken” truly signifies.

***********************

CNY celebration

Taken from Humans of New York

“My mother came to New York from Alabama at the age of nineteen. She had nothing but a high school diploma. She almost didn’t make it. There was so much pressure because she was all alone. Later in life she came clean.
She told me that she’d gotten so depressed that she turned on the gas one night. But my brother and I started crying in the crib. And she was so touched that she decided to keep going. She became a nurse at Lenox Hill hospital. She was married three times. Three sets of children. Each time her husband claimed she wouldn’t make it without him. Each time she said ‘Go on ahead.’

She taught us all the proverbs. She taught us to love ourselves. The punishments could be harsh. Sometimes she’d go at us with the extension cord. But I always knew there was a steak dinner waiting for me at the end. She was only hard on me because she wanted me to succeed, which I never did. Thirty years on the street. Twenty years addicted to crack. But she never gave up on me. Even during the darkest times, whenever I showed up, she’d open the door. She’d cook me a meal. She’d let me get warm. She’d let me shower. But she’d never give me a dime. And I always had to leave.

But on the way out, she’d always say: ‘I love you Freddy, no matter what you do.’ We had ten good years together after I got clean. She’d come to some of my programs. She’d tell me how proud she was that I turned my life around. The last time I saw her, when she was lying in the hospital, with one hundred percent cancer, I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her.
And she said: ‘I love you Freddy.’ Those were her last words.
Two days later she passed. She didn’t wheeze, or sigh, or scream, or grunt.
She just went to sleep.”

“Drugs are ‘cunning, baffling, and powerful.’ They teach us that in NA.
Drugs can change your soul. I’ve seen it happen to so many people. But through twenty years of crack addiction, I always maintained my sense of self. I took so many beatings from drug dealers.
I had my skull fractured, my nose broken, I lost an eye. I was shot twice with a 44 magnum at point blank range.
But despite all these afflictions, despite all that darkness, I was able to maintain my sanity and self-respect. I’d never rape anyone. Wouldn’t attack anyone. Would never rob with a gun or a knife. Wouldn’t yell, or scream, or frighten people. That’s not who I was. I never forgot my name. I never forgot my birthday.
I used to go to the library, and open the encyclopedia, and memorize all the muscles and nerves and organs. I wanted to document myself. I could always locate my sternohyoid. And my thyrohyoid. I’ve always known my human worth. I think so much of that came from my mother. There’s a word called ‘superego,’ and it means how you’re trained by your parents and stuff like that.
It’s the thing that guides you.
I can still hear my mother’s voice talking to me today. Telling me to take care of myself. And to respect myself.
Saying: ‘You’re a good person, Frederick.’ That’s one thing she always did.
She always called me by my name. Even when I let her down. Even when I stole from her. Even when the whole world was ignoring me.
She never called me ‘son.’ Never ‘boy.’ Never ‘idiot.’ She always called me Frederick.
And she told me that I'd always been a good person.”

Taken from Thinking Art on Fb

Taken entirely from Facebook

So yesterday I felt honoured to have taken the ride with Aunty Rasamany. She's 72 years old and is a proud @grabmy driver, earning a living for herself and her 80 year old hubby.

I said to her 'Aunty I'm so proud of you, do you do this to occupy your time?' She said 'Well to be honest a few years ago I lost all my life savings in a gold investment company, but I know my ability and I have courage so I've decided to stand on my own feet to recover.

I felt nothing but love & admiration for her at that moment.
I gave her a hug and found it difficult to say goodbye, it felt therapeutic to be just sat next to her, listening and absorbing her positive energy. Thank you Aunty Rasamany for being such a big inspiration to women out there

"Tell her that if she doesn't want it, she can always return it !"
The poor messenger was surprised at my instruction.
.......................

"Oh, you ARE talking to me? I was wondering who you were talking to."
(insinuating her rudeness)
"I did call your name." (weak attempt to save face as we now have an audience)
"Did you?" (my intonation emphasized otherwise)
She continued her enquiry.
"Email! cc (name of her boss)!" I answered, talking to the back of her head before I could finish.

That's right, biatch.
New term, new attitude.

I need to care more about my own feelings than fearing narcissistic bullies like this.
**middle finger**

I've not been writing for ages.
I checked my journal, gosh ! a year ?
So much has happened, surely it's worth journaling?
I must start developing a good writing habit.
After all, I ALWAYS surprise myself with my writings.
I need to write.

*******************************************************
Last Christmas, a group of Christian friends came to the house to carol.
I gulped my emotions when they greeted me.
Such a thoughtful gesture of them to bless the house with this festive cheer.

Every time when I thought I was beaten down with the worldly weary,

 Goodness nonchalantly picks me up.

I wrote to Mn,
On 21 Mar 2019, at 3:17 PM,
I have been considering for days whether or not to reach out to you gals.... but alas...
One thought gave me the assurance that I should.
No matter what...
Our past experiences together is definitely worth this email.
As I was still so upset, I thought it's best to stay quiet and let myself THINK.
THINK about what happened.
Surely, I have to bear some responsibility too.
Surely, I could have done better to prevent this misunderstanding to have gone from bad to now, maybe even Non-Friends.
So, I give it time.
Cool down.
One week became two weeks.
Two weeks became 3 weeks.
It didn't feel uncomfortable.
But this period did give me time to think and rethink about myself, the situation... and what I want.
No matter what, it is undeniable that we have had a LOT of good memories.
I do feel our friendship is worth saving.
That's why finally, I decided to email.
If it's meant to be, then I need to accept and move on too.
Honestly, I do feel heavy-hearted but I know there are things in life that shouldn't and can't be forced.
I guess this is part of growing up. 
*******************************************************

She wrote back
On Thu, Mar 21, 2019, 8:41 PM 
One random day, all these struck into my mind and i just feeling let go. Whatever it is, let go. I not going to doubt myself bcoz of the label given, its not my job to always make sure people are happy with me and i just want to move on from these silent drama. I actually feel relieved after I ‘let go’.
Therefore if you still feel:-
i am rude...so be it...
I am selfish....so be it...
I am a dictator....so be it...
My thought / care is fake...so be it...
I am very firm decision person...so be it...
I make everyone to follow wat i want with my ‘philosophy’....so be it...
I am a toxic person...so be it....
I not going to explain because it will still end up in your eyes that i am trying to win with my philosophy.
Hun, if you realised, every thing I do & say have become negative in your eyes & heart. Since I am a negative person now &  so easily trigger your anger like 1,2,3...i am serious..do what we been telling you, kick out toxic & negativity from your life.
Yes we have happy & memorable past but same with me here, I don’t want these drama again in my life. I let go. I don’t want hold it anymore. Whatever it is, I let go.
Kudos to you for making the initiative in bringing up this issue as the immature me plan to just silent about it shall its not brought up.
Last but not least, thanks for your effort and keep up the courage & confidence in yourself.
Bye Hun.
*******************************************************

My reply on
Mar 21, 2019, 10:43 PM
At first I thought a reply wasn't necessary but I fear that you might misunderstand my unresponsiveness.
For old time sake,  I shouldn't mind to take the time to assure you that all is good.
We are grown ups.
🙂 It's time to let go and move on. 
Bye Mn
*******************************************************

I just had to be sentimental writer ,
Jun 10, 2019, 7:45 PM
Hi Moon,
I have been thinking a lot about writing to you but kept delaying, as
I thought it’s best to leave things as it is, so why bother to ‘kacau’ right?
The ONE reason that prompts me to finally start typing is that I really want you to know that there is NO hard feelings from my side.
I don’t have any expectation from this email, I don’t even dare to hope for a reply, but I really need you to know that I don’t bear any ill feelings towards you.
Maybe you wonder why this is important for me?
Maybe aging? Or that I’m the type who think too much. I just need to make sure that the ending of ‘our story’, u know like the last chapter in a book – I hope that the last few sentences in the chapter are good positive ones.
I really hope that you’d believe me when I say I carry A LOT of good and sweet memories of our relationship. Really a lot of examples, but I fear the email would be too long if I typed them.
Eg, the birthday card you and Mina gave me is in the baby’s bed (right in front of me as I type this). We use the music for the baby to calm down when she cries. Also, do you remember the necklace you helped ‘fix’ for me? I told you how disappointed I was with the online purchase so you took it home overnight and made it much nicer. This was the first year we met in Segi.
I was cleaning up my old drawer yesterday and saw the necklace and immediately recalled all this memory. I really smiled to myself recalling it.
Yes, this is very old history.
I think MUCH MORE of our good experiences etc, than our little friction that ended it all.
I hope you’d believe my sincerity of this email, I must emphasize that I carry no expectation from your side.
Ah… maybe forgiveness.
If you do forgive me, or perhaps already have, as you previously mentioned, if you have ‘let go it all’ in a positive manner, then I thank you.

If we do accidentally bump into each other in the street, I hope you won’t turn away or pretend not to know me.
We don’t have to talk to each other, but I hope we can at least smile and nod at each other.
Yes, this is the summary of my intention. I hope we at least smile and nod at each other.
*******************************************************

removing this from my address book was SUCH a relief.

Taken entirely from https://www.nytimes.com/

Ms. Goo, 28, a former member of the wildly popular K-pop girl group Kara, had also struggled with online attacks. Trolls spread rumors that she owed her looks largely to plastic surgery. She admitted that she had gone under the knife for droopy eyes.

Things turned worse for her after she broke up with her hair-designer boyfriend, Choi Jong-beom. And rumors spread that there was video footage of the couple engaging in sex.

“I won’t be lenient on these vicious commentaries any more,” Ms. Goo wrote on her Instagram account in June, complaining about her “mental health” problems and “depression.” (After her death, such posts on her Instagram account were removed.)

At times, she sounded desperate, pleading for her critics to relent.“Public entertainers like myself don’t have it easy — we have our private lives more scrutinized than anyone else and we suffer the kind of pain we cannot even discuss with our family and friends,” she said. “Can you please ask yourself what kind of person you are before you post a vicious comment online?”

The situation with her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Choi, became particularly contentious. She sued him last year, accusing him of threatening to spread the footage of them having sex. In August, he was sentenced to a year and a half in prison on charges of blackmailing, coercion and inflicting bodily harm against Ms. Goo. But his jail term was suspended by the court, keeping him free.

“Is there no one out there with a beautiful mind who can embrace people who suffer?” she pleaded.

Legions of young South Koreans train for years, often starting in their early teens, honing their singing skills and dance moves in hopes of impressing “star management” agencies who deem them good enough to debut their first song. Even after they make the cut to become K-pop idols, their star status rarely lasts long, as younger stars with cuter looks and fancier dance moves replace them. K-pop stars in their late 20s are already considered old, and these fading idols often try to carve out new roles in acting or as solo singers or talk-show regulars — a difficult transition that is often not successful.

The K-pop phenomenon gets disseminated largely through YouTube, Instagram, Twitter and other social media channels, where its stars are exposed to both a flood of fan letters and hateful comments and cyberbullying on everything from their looks to their singing skills to their private lives.

“From an early age, they live a mechanical life, going through a spartan training regimen,” said Lee Hark-joon, a South Korean journalist who has produced a TV documentary on the making of a K-pop girl group and co-wrote the book “K-pop Idols: Popular Culture and the Emergence of the Korean Music Industry.” “They seldom have a chance to develop a normal school life or normal social relationships as their peers do.”

“Their fall can be as sudden and as dramatic as their rise to the height of fame,” and all at a young age, Mr. Lee added. “Theirs is a profession especially vulnerable to psychological distress — they are scrutinized on social media around the clock, and fake news about their private lives is spread instantly.”

KUCHING (Bernama): Sarawak swimmer Ayrton Lim was found dead at his family home in Tabuan Laru here on Thursday (Oct 24).

The 19-year-old was found unconscious by his mother, who then informed the police at about 12.30pm.

Kuching district police chief ACP Awang Din Awang Gani said Ayrton was pronounced dead by medical officers from the Sarawak General Hospital who went to the house.

"According to his mother, he had been in a state of depression the past three days, ” he said.

Police have classified the case as sudden death after preliminary investigations showed that there were no criminal elements involved.

Later, See Hua Daily News reported that the swimmer hanged himself and was facing relationship related problems. It was also found that on Thursday, Lim posted a cryptic Instagram story stating "It has been a wonderful 19 years and I'm grateful if you're part of it (a smiley and a heart emoji), Thank You."

Ayrton had represented Sarawak at the Malaysia Games and is said to have returned from training in Singapore recently. – Bernama


Read more at https://www.thestar.com.my/news/nation/2019/10/24/sarawak-swimmer-aryton-lim-19-found-dead-at-home#Mg7ygWxb0DpWxsyy.99

Taken entirely from Heidi Quah I witnessed a suicide case today.
 I am completely shattered and heartbroken and traumatized.
 She lived in Gombak and I met her on the streets a few weeks ago.
 Went over to convince her to move into RFTR's office temporarily till things got better. She had a fall out with her husband, her husband was abusive and left her severely scarred, hugely in debt and extremely traumatized.
 He left with another woman and she was forced to fend for herself and her 4 kids. Her eldest child is currently 21 years old and forced to be both mom and dad to her siblings, 17, 10 and 3 years old.

Today, she committed suicide. She jumped off the building - right as I was visiting. As I was leaving. After we took this picture.
After she smiled for the picture. She walked me to the door. Then as I turned my back to head down the stairs. She climbed on the corridoor cliff and jumped.

Her children witnessed it all. It was a sudden, desperate jump. The screams and wails were sharp and piercing and it's still ringing in my ears now. I am still pretty shaken and traumatized.
I can't imagine how her children must be feeling. They are stateless and undocumented and don't have any other relatives. When I met her - she was pleading and crying and struggling so bad - telling me that she can no longer go on. The pain and the anxiety and not being able to support the family any more. I rarely ever do this but I feel I really need to this time. Trying to raise RM5500 for a really simple funeral for the lady and to support the family for a couple of months. (Update : targetted amount reached within 24 hours)

Taken entirely from www.washingtonpost.com
SEOUL — Leading South Korean K-pop singer and actress Sulli was found dead in her house south of the capital on Monday in what police said may have been suicide.

The 25-year-old started her career as a child actress in 2005 and later joined a girl group as a teenager, before announcing she was quitting the entertainment industry in 2014. She said then that she was mentally and physically exhausted after suffering from malicious comments and false rumors online. She formally left her band the following year to resume an acting career.
Last year, she took the rare step of speaking out about her mental health issues, saying she had suffered from panic disorder since she was young and also had social phobia.

If she is found to have taken her own life, it would highlight the huge pressures on K-pop stars exerted by exploitative management companies and demanding fans and the lack of mental health support. The star, whose legal name is Choi Jin-ri, was found dead by her agent on Monday afternoon in a two-story house in Seongnam.
A note believed to have been written by Choi has been found at the house, which described her state of mind but was not a suicide note, according to the police.
“Choi seemed to have lived alone in the house, and no signs of a struggle or forced entry has been identified to suggest homicide,” said Kim Seong-taek of Seongnam Sujeong Police Department. But Kim said police had not concluded it was definitely a suicide and continued to investigate the case.

Sulli challenged the notions on how a female Kpop star should behave, but she suffered massively as a result.
She was viciously attacked online in 2014 after paparazzi photos revealed she was dating an older rapper. In a rare move, she later publicly acknowledged the couple’s relationship. K-pop stars usually face pressure not to date because it can disillusion their fans and undermine their career.
She would also often appear without a bra, saying she felt more comfortable without one, something that some Korean women found liberating but others savagely criticized.

In June, she became a co-host of a TV show entitled “The Night of Hate Comments,” in which celebrity guests discussed their reactions to hateful comments, malicious rumors and cyberbullying.
Yonhap news agency said Choi had suffered criticism and drawn support for what it called her “bold and carefree character.”

“Even close people left me,” Choi said in an Instagram video posted last year. “I was hurt by them and felt there was nobody who understands me, which made me fall apart.”