I've just watched HBO Red Channel's 'My husband has got depression'.

A Japanese film that depicts the mental illness very well.

Worth rewatching.

Her childish email reinforced my perception of her personality.

Her email resembled an ex-communicated friend who was a delusional schizophrenic.
I couldn't and shouldn't feed into her content anymore.

At first I thought a reply wasn't necessary but I don't want you to misunderstand my unresponsiveness.
For old time sake,  I shouldn't mind to take the time to assure you that all is good.
We are grown ups.

🙂 It's time to let go and move on.
Bye Mn

How could I have ignored the signs for so long?
Why was I hesitant to take a stance for so long?
I have bottled them up far too long.

Been watching Netflix again,

"Live"

Their theme song "Carry Me" feels very close in proximity.

When you know it's not okay

and you know you're not to blame

Look inside your mind and try to find

this heart of mine

And you know it's just a dream

one you wished you'd never seen

Open up your eyes, it's still dark outside

Alone again tonight

You got the smile I wanna see

You got the heart to carry me

You got the smile I wanna see

You got the heart to carry me

And you try but it's too much

And hurting yourself is not enough

Think of everyone who has it worse than you

There is no curse on you

Think of everyone who has it worse than you

There is no curse on you

Won't you realize it's not that bad

And a chance to love is all you ever have

Tell him…

In After Life, Anne advised Tony,

"You are a good person. So, naturally, the things that you do are good.

You make the world a better place by just living."

On Children, the mother said, "Love yourself. There is always a way."

10 Habits of Highly Successful People With Bipolar Disorder

Taken from BpHope
#1 They’ve created their own treatment plan
Through trial and error, these folks have created a personalized treatment plan that works for them. For one person, focusing on therapy for the mind may work, while someone else is better treated with certain medication. All treatment—pharmacological, therapy and lifestyle—needs to be designed specifically for you.

#2 They rally a supportive team
First off, they are not afraid to ask for help and understand they need the assistance of others when they can’t help themselves. They know that support comes in many forms; perhaps they’ll join a support group, either online or in person. Successful people living with bipolar also nurture their support team—staying in contact, communicating and expressing deep appreciation for their help.

#3 They practice mindfulness
A meditation practice improves your ability to manage work, organize tasks and focus in stressful situations. Over the past decade, mindfulness meditation has been shown to improve a whole host of health and disease outcomes; new studies demonstrate what’s happening to the brain in order to produce these beneficial health effects. It shows that meditation reduces Interleukin-6, an inflammatory health biomarker, in high-stress adults.

#4 They know their triggers and have a plan
As with mania, knowing what stressors leave you vulnerable to depression can help prevent recurrences. Work-related stress, sleep disturbances and traumatic life events can all be triggers and having a plan to help prevent minor symptoms from turning into a full-blown episode is vital. Successful individuals have put together a comprehensive plan, usually with the help of their spouse and/or family. They understand how to recognize the beginnings of either depression or mania and what they will do in such cases.

#5 They have a healthy diet and exercise regularly
Whether they find it challenging or not, they know that having a healthy lifestyle—eating well and moving more—is a crucial complement to a treatment plan of medication to maintain mood stability. Studies now prove that people with bipolar disorder are more likely to have certain vitamin and mineral deficiencies, making a nutrient-dense diet all the more important.

#6 They have good sleep habits
For people living with bipolar, sleep is found to be a significant cause of stress. We know that sleep problems don’t just affect mood, they can also be the cause. People who are successful with their bipolar treatment plans know to keep a steady rhythm throughout their day…going to bed and rising the same time each day and following the same bedtime routine.

#7 They stick to a schedule/routine
The schedule itself is personalized to each individual but the point is they stick to their set routines—especially for the important aspects like their medication protocol, exercise, diet and sleep. They know that by doing something regularly, like brushing one’s teeth, it soon becomes second nature and doesn’t take willpower to stick to.

#8 They pay attention to their thoughts
They are aware of the loop that links bipolar depression, anxiety and negative thinking and work hard at breaking free of this; they learn to shift out of negative modes such as catastrophic escalation and pessimism and destructive self-talk and instead choose a more positive and practical outlook to almost every situation.

#9 They are grateful
They understand that gratitude has a strong association with well-being and that practicing this state of being has a positive influence on their mood, relationships, outlook, and overall happiness—all of which can protect against anxiety and depression. Some people have found it helpful to keep a daily journal and write what they are grateful for every day.

#10 They keep a journal
Whether it’s charting their moods, diets, exercise or even what they’re grateful for, the simple act of writing it down somewhere (or typing for that matter) does something to further instill the subject matter to memory. Besides its validating and therapeutic benefits, writing one’s thoughts down in a journal can be meditative as it forces one to think only of certain thoughts and not about everything at once.

I need to remember that there are still goodness in my life...

I heard the sad news that you might be leaving .While I do not know the reasons for this, I would just like you to know that Kamilah adores you, and will miss you terribly. Your encouragement and your kind words about her booklet made her feel really good about her abilities, and she told me after,  that she wanted to continue to write. You have made a positive impact, and I just wanted to thank you. I truly appreciate all that you have done. And I wish you the very best in your future undertakings. Know that you will always have my support. Thank you.

Grey's Anatomy Season 14 Episode 17

Dr.Kepner.
You really think I can't tell when someone's in pain, too?
listen, listen, the Talmud says if someone is sick or in need and you can take away 1/60th of their pain, then that's goodness. That's God.

You can't take away a 60th of something if you don't know what it is.

It is exactly my job, and I prefer to do it till the bitter end.
Come on.
You're not gonna deny a dying man's wish?
I've held enough dying men's hands in my career.
I know it's mine this time.

What's that saying? "If If I'm not for myself, who will be for me?"

- Well, I am taking care of myself, for once.

Oh, and you realize that that phrase is not an invitation for narcissism, right?
You know, it's human nature.
You face enough hardship, then you can't help but think that you're being punished, that you did something to deserve it.

I did nothing to deserve Okay.

My whole life, I followed His rules.

I studied, I believed, I practiced what I preached.

I did every single thing He asked of me.

And that guarantees you what? Excuse me? Well, where where where is the guarantee? In the sequel? 'Cause, I have to admit, I'm not as up on that as I used to be.

- No, no, where where is it written exactly that if you do this or that, that everything in your life's gonna be good, hmm? Nowhere, in any faith, is there a guarantee.
Was it fair when Isaac went blind and then his child betrayed him? And where was the fairness when Sara had to wait 99 years before she had a child, and God said, "Sacrifice him"? And Moses couldn't even get past the bouncer to the Promised Land.
And like I said, I'm not up on the sequel, but from what I hear, Jesus got a raw deal.
 Nobody in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice, or it wouldn't have been a best seller.
And if they lived lives like that, why should ours be different?
Now, if people only believed in God when things were good, I guarantee you, after the Holocaust, not a single Jew would be a believer.

Faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believe when things are good.
Well, so, what? The world is just cruel and random, and there's nothing anyone can do about it? Look, I don't have a lot of time here.
Do you mind if I just skip to the part where I pretend I don't know what to tell you? I'm just gonna tell you, okay? - Okay.
You sound like a child.
Terrible things happen.
Terrible, wonderful, devastating things happen.
Who the hell are you to know why? Who are you to know why some people live and some people die?

Children die.

Children who didn't do anything wrong, children who were broken before they had a chance to be whole, who were climbing in their own front windows.

Right.
And you don't get to know why any more than than I get to know why I'm dying from taking a pill that saves lives, that saves nearly everyone's life but it's killing me.
So you can either believe in God and goodness, or you can believe it's pointless, it's cruel, and it's random whatever makes you happier.
Are you? Happy?

It's not narcissism.

It's Pain.

Unimaginable pain.

Yeah, I know the feeling.
God's not indifferent to our pain.
Listen, tikkun olam.
Tikkun olam means that the world is full of brokenness and it's our job to put it back together again.
It assumes that the world is, uh, broken and in need and in pain.
And it's our job to fix f-fix it.

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=greys-anatomy&episode=s14e17

I spoke to ShW last night.
"I can't seem to find the reasons to justify this heavy dark cloud that is engulfing me".

With ShW, I need not explain myself. She gets it.
That's why we are good friends.
We talked about our sleep patterns, coping mechanisms, work, doctor appointments and meds.

She listened patiently as I filled her in with the things which have happened for the past month.

"That's when I knew I could no longer be friends with her anymore.
It's tragic, but I can't allow myself to be treated that way.
I need to care and love myself more than this relationship."

There was silence.
I heard a "hmm...."

From my comrade's blog.

一定要好好工作，
不管情绪怎么样，工作时间都要咬紧牙根撑过去。
能有一份工作算是非常幸运，不会去在乎薪金和人事问题.

I must work hard, no matter how I feel, I must endure it all.
I am very lucky to have a job.
I would not be bothered about salary and conflicts among colleagues
.

Taken entirely from MALAY MAIL .
One thing many will agree upon though, despite the hard news reporting, is the paper’s quirky sense of humour.

Through the years, many creative minds have contributed to the paper… lending it a unique personality that easily stands out from other publications in the country.

Even its in-house ads reflected the character of the paper as evident in two particular ads which came out circa 90s (go check them out in the other pages of this final edition of the newspaper in print!).

Unbeknown to many, the creative force that was behind those ads was none other than the late storyteller extraordinare, Yasmin Ahmad.

Yasmin would go on in the next decade to stamp her mark on Malaysia’s collective psyche; not just for her advertising artistry that included those tear-jerking Petronas ads Malaysians looked forward to every single major celebration, but also for her films that were deceptively simple but infinitely relatable.

From her debut in 2003 with Rabun to the breakthrough hit that was Sepet the following year, Yasmin amassed not just a following, before her final effort in her fifth full-length feature film in 2009’s Talentime, but also the respect of an entire industry.

From sitting down with Yasmin and dissecting Sepet to being stunned on the set of the controversial Muallaf in 2008 where lead actress Sharifah Amani shaved her head to Yasmin’s gentle shrug at the reaction of her established peers walking out of her Gubra premiere in 2006, I was fortunate to have been able to write about her work.

The final print edition of Malay Mail would be incomplete without featuring Yasmin and it was by sheer coincidence that the two ads featured in these pages were found.

The discovery came in the form of a chance discovery of a special collectible — a limited shoebox edition of Yasmin I Lup Chew.

Nine long years after her passing, Yasmin’s legacy is kept alive through reproductions of her raw works that ended up captivating the hearts, minds and imagination of Malaysia.

Launched in tandem with the book, Yasmin I Lup Chew, titled after the lovingly cheeky phrase she became known for, it is a must-have offered for sale only online.

An exploration of its contents reveals a treasure trove offering an insight into the eccentricities that made Yasmin Ahmad special.

Neatly packed in the shoebox is a painstakingly reproduced collection of her works a book could not house.

Handwritten poetry, ideas, miscellaneous jottings, scripts and photos, apart from the book itself are in reproductions of a notebook, the occasional doodle, a sketch, an old-fashioned photo album from the Nineties and a ‘newspaper’ with articles and press ads dreamt up by Yasmin herself.

And in the pages of the I Lup Chew Daily, sandwiched inside are these two rib-tickling funny full page ads about the Malay Mail.

While it is aesthetically awe-inspiring to see the attention to details in the recreations with the yellowed and aged pages, and little blotches of correction fluid (today’s generation will never fully appreciate the use of Liquid Paper), the magic here is the insight into Yasmin’s musings.

The box is akin to finding a little time capsule. Sister Datin Orked Ahmad would probably know best, as much of the material was sourced from an actual shoebox, that held most of the items.

“When I saw it, I cried. It was exactly as she left it,” she sighed.

“We kept it as a limited edition item, because we wanted to keep it special for those who appreciated, missed and treasured her.”

Through the beauty of technology, former colleagues and a new generation of creatives have managed to put together the package that is a work of art on its own.

One of those mainly responsible for the limited edition shoebox is Virgil, who worked with Yasmin as a copywriter from the late 80s at Ogilvy & Mather to her last agency Leo Burnett.

“Yasmin kept her handwritten notes and photos in various shoeboxes, just like how she depicted it in her movie Gubra (where Alan Yun shows Sharifah Amani his late brother’s shoebox hidden under his bed).

“In the Ogilvy & Mather office, whenever Yasmin noticed struggling fellow copywriters, she would show us her… shoebox. And tell us stories.

“She was never lokek or kedekut when it came to helping others improve. She never hoarded knowledge.

“Her library in the office was open to all. She would even insist we read her books on Zen koans, the Tao Te Ching, Rumi’s Sufi poems, even Wislawa Szymborska’s Polish poetry.”

At Leo Burnett, Yasmin organised classes every Friday night to teach whatever she knew, which by the third week, attendance had dwindled to Virgil alone.

“She didn’t give up teaching the one person who turned up.”

Bringing the project to life was Fictionist Studio founder and creative director Joanne Chew, along with art director Jona Lim and intern Kimberly Yap.

“We were given quite a lot of disparate materials to work with, and the freedom to suggest how they could be showcased.”

The small team worked with paper sponsor Antalis as well as printers, Percetakan Image Vest, to ensure that all items were faithful reproductions of Yasmin’s stuff.

“I had received a call from Hyrul Anuar, a friend who was part of the team at Leo Burnett who was tasked to get the project off the ground. He asked if I was interested to take on the project.”

Despite budget restrictions and swamped with work, Chew however agreed.

While she knew of Yasmin, she never had the opportunity to meet her – and working on Yasmin I Lup Chew was an eye-opener.

“I think most of us Malaysians identify Yasmin as a creative genius. That was what I knew of her, and her witty sense of humour.

“But working on Yasmin I Lup Chew shed so much more light on what a kindred spirit she was, how quintessentially Malaysian she was, in the movies she made and her outlook on life. She loved her family and country so steadfastly, it was beyond inspiring. And not to mention her humility.”

And that was the creative direction from the get-go.

For Virgil it was years in the making, and for Chew, endless hours spanning five months.

“It was a labour of love and our way of paying tribute to her — by trying our best to design a damn bloody beautiful book which matches a damn bloody beautiful soul,” said Chew.

“Having received positive reactions has been very rewarding for us but more importantly, we hope that this project can inspire other Malaysians to be more compassionate, live life with a greater purpose and the realisation that something can always be made from nothing, just as how Yasmin did.”

Yasmin Ahmad never wanted to be idolised nor was she perfect, and that is one of the messages the team hopes to get across.

“Everyone, herself included, started from nowhere, and took years to improve as you can see from her notes, poetry and ideas.”

“What if I missed the chance to let him know the truth, forever?”

I met up with one of my best friends today.
As usual, we chatted about everything under the sun.
We don’t need to self-check when we are together.
We both have the unfortunate similar past which binds us closer than anyone else.

“Did I tell you about this guy?”
“No! Tell, tell !”
I was surprised that I had never mentioned this guy to her.
Did I ? Or did I not?
Or perhaps she forgot?
Bad memory is another unfortunate common trait that we share.

I had to tell her the story from the very beginning.
She was so excited that she kept interrupting me,
“Go for it ! Don’t care! Go!”
I felt oddly surprised that she has such different approach towards this matter.
I continued my narration of the story.

How special he made me feel. How attentive he was.
“ No matter what, I can’t deny how flattering all the attention was. Come on, at our age?” I confessed sheepishly.
“Go for it!” She was relentless.
I giggled at my friend’s enthusiasm. It’s indeed a delight to see her so unusually optimistic.

As my story was about to end, she asked, “What does he do?”
“It never occur to me to ask,”
 I was surprised at this truth. Why didn't I ask him? Oh ya... I had always avoided personal topics between us, to keep the boundaries safe. I couldn't risk misleading him.

“Is he handsome?” she asked.
 I smiled.
“Did I mention he’s Malay?” I suddenly realised I had forgotten to include this element of description.
My friend’s mouth was ajar. “He’s not Chinese?!”
I snorted. How presumptuous of her !
And with that, she seemed to have lost interest in anything I say about him.

I self-reflected a moment.
I never cared about the 3 things that she seemed very concern of.
She on the other hand, doesn’t even consider the worries I shared with her in my story as important as I do.
What an interesting difference between us to ponder on.

I wished that I have more about him to add into my narration.
But alas,now he has chosen to ignore me.
Why isn't he replying my messages? He sensed that I won't respond to him?
I regret that our communication ended hanging like that.
Now both he and I will never know.

I will never forget the fact that I was once cherished by this fine young man.
How he made me blushed.
He has given me a memory so sweet that it will definitely recall a smile in many years to come.
And I need him to know that.
I think of him each time I hear this song by Li Yu Gang 李玉剛; 剛好遇見你

因為我剛好遇見你
Because I just met you
留下足跡才美麗
Leaving the beautiful footsteps
風吹花落淚如雨
the wind blows the flowers and in compliance with the rain weep them
因為不想分離
Because of the unexpected separate

因為剛好遇見你
Because I just met you
留下十年的期許
Leaving behind the ten years expectations
如果再相遇
If we meet again
我想我會記得你
I think I will remember you

I've been more stable lately.
MTn AmK queried me.

"I think I finally got the right pieces of the puzzle together.

In the past, I've been forcing the wrong pieces together and the picture just didn't make sense.
I got lost.
Confused.
Depressed.

Now, the pieces slide nicely with each other.
The puzzle pieces fit.
The picture is ugly.
But ugly truth is better than a misleading illusion.

No matter how painful and ugly,
I sense peace in facing the truth.
My truth.

I've been sending out flowers to my friends.

Such joy to spread the love.

I love the promotional campaign slogan the florist is using.

#justbecause

We don't need a reason to send flowers .

We should just do.

 

update June,2020

 Aidil Adha.

 "Aren't you afraid? Standing so close to the sacrificial slaughtering site?"
"No way!"
After the deed was done, he sheepishly wiped his eyes with his right arm.
"You crying?"
He gave a firm nod, without turning around. 

I wrote this on the group's comment page.

My dear friends , I’ve had this nagging desire to drop a note here for the longest time. But each time I was prompted, I’ve always felt that I was unworthy, that I wasn’t good enough to execute my intention. Oh, the song posted by Tze N really made me teary.

I felt it was a confirmation from God that I must fulfil the deed.

My dear dear Church friends. Oh how often I’ve thought of you each one of you.

Simple daily things that I see, hear, feel, or do can easily bring back those Church memories.

For example, just random thoughts….

How Tracy stood outside my old place in Jelutong with bags of pasar groceries waiting for me. It was a cooking / eating day for us. Due to fault of mine, she had to wait outside in the hot humid weather for me.

Tracy, I have not forgotten your cooking tips! And how I love your “Abudden” jokes. And how you had taught me your family secret of frying an egg.

And Jessie ’s clear enunciating voice that can put many radio presenters to shame. How she would laugh at herself.

Tze; her facial expression when she is in deep thought, and how she elegantly finger-swipes her Ipad when she is sharing or preaching.

Samantha N how she claps her hand to brush off the stain while cooking. And the many cute candid stories which she shared in BS. Samantha, I will never forget that during my darkest hour, you had very nonchalantly open up those encouraging videos for me to watch. It was really kind of you. You were so sensitive. You didn’t ask me anything. You purposely kept the conversation light.

I will think of Pastor Lean S each time I’m in those wholesale snack shops ( which is very often). I will never forget her sharing in the Cameron Highlands, about ‘planting seeds’. The discussion was serious, but you didn’t want to give too much pressure to the sharing group, you said, “.. . something for you to think about, …” how you had gestured by dropping the metaphorical seed. Lol how your hand gestures will fly up when you need to make a point.

I will always remember Shirly G sharing about her students, how she persevered with the ex- Principal, how she will allow her students to see her sunburns and suffering or else her students xin li bu ping heng… so funny

I’d remember the nice free bakeries we enjoyed from Edinlyn. Yvonne Por’s comical “Jinjia you?”- Korean.

Pei’s love and concern for me during our private chats and her husband’s pandan jelly ! lol. and when Sam drew a mole on his 'ugly' picture during the game of  pictionary and Ps Steven was offended. He laughed till he teared up... lol ah.. Who can forget all those great games we played

So so many memories… 

Thank you for all your love and acceptance of me. Forgive me for not keeping in close touch. My heart is true.

On my first outing with friends since my depression- hibernation.
She hugged me and whispered, "So good to see you alright."
My body shivered.
My eyes glistened.

I was very close to the borderline.

Have changed my blog intro.
Decided to save old one here.
Clarity is a rare luxury in my life. My very own mind betrays me.
It sends me self-destructive information,causing me to be lost in the ruins of my actions.
I have more appointments with the psychiatrists than with friends.
This blog helps me remember who I am and the dangers that lurk inside of me.
I thank you for your readership.Your presence here makes me feel less alone.
I now live my life imitating the words of Tom Hanks in Castaway-
“I know what I have to do.I have to keep breathing.
And tomorrow the sun will rise, who knows what the tide will bring in.”

I was given a written test.

My best friend.

My best friend? I chuckled inwardly.

Who to write?

Here goes.

I met up with ShW.
She is facing some problems with her work situation.
Her boss gave her the 2nd written warning letter due to poor work appraisal.
She was also not eligible to receive this year's bonus.
Fortunately, she has found a new workplace.

Still, she felt bad.
I tried very hard to let her know how much I admire her.
"You went to work EVERYDAY, despite having the Darkness pulling you down.
It's no simple feat. I can imagine the effort to overcome the difficulty.
I really look up to you."

She just gave a weary thin smile.