It has been a very long time since I've been able to concentrate on a book.
The Housekeeper and The Professor

The Professor never really seemed to care whether we figured out the right answer to a problem.He preferred our wild, desperate guesses to silence.and he was even more delighted when those guesses led to new problems that took us beyond the original one. He had a special feeling for what he called the 'correct miscalculation,' for he believed that mistakes were often as revealing as the right answers.

...he would sit peering in as the toast browned. He was as fascinated by the toast as he was by the mathematical proofs we did together, as if the truth of the toaster were no different from that of the Pythagorean theorem.

Due to my illness, I have terrible low self-esteem.
Most of the time, I try not to have eye contact with people who are difficult.
And sometimes, people tend to misconstrue this facial expression of mine.

I deal with a lot of students at my work.
About 35% of them are rude and irreverent.
Yesterday, I had one of that sort asking if I had seen his pen drive, which he had forgotten to retrieve from the computer last night.
I was on duty last night and nobody reported anything to the counter.
I asked the co-worker on morning shift, and she too said the same thing.

The brash student then left the counter with a sour face without a word of gratitude.
Today he came again with the same rude approach.
I looked at the counter drawer again and said, “No.”
He looked at me accusingly and said, “If I ever find a pen drive here, I would never return it!” and abruptly left without giving me a chance to respond.

I was of course furious.
I thought, “How presumptuous of him to judge the honesty of the staff!”

However, my co-worker who witnessed the whole incident didn’t think so.
She said, “Nah, he’s just angry that he lost his stuff. You’re over analysing it”

Is it true?

16 March 2011

I had dinner with my old college friends last night. I had been very nervous about it the whole week. The last time I met up with them, I broke down in tears the moment I stepped into my car to head home.
It has been 7 years since I was first admitted to the hospital. And in these 7 years, my life was in terrible mess. Depressed, Manic, Depressed, Manic, Depressed.. and now finally a little stability in my life. Even for an unhealthy lifestyle, 7 years did wheeze by very quickly. Time waits for no man, even so for a depressed (wo)man.

In my last meet-up with my friend, I made a very inappropriate interruption when my friend W was talking. The other friend M who was listening intently snapped at me, "It's not always about you!" I quickly apologised.
But when I got home I cried buckets because I felt my social skills have gone haywire. Also, she made a very good point. For the past 7 years, my life has only been about ME and my mental illness. There was nothing else in my life. The other peers were building careers, expanding their colourful social network, in short, experiencing their youthful 20s. I , on the other hand, was merely preoccupied with my sad sad troubled mind.

As I'm writing this, I sit staring aimlessly into the air, as my memories of my past just creep by. Regardless of the chronology.

A friend called up to express her regrets of not contacting me sooner. I was very surprised that she'd feel that way. Earlier, I had messaged her ,'Thanks for your extraordinary kindness and patience during my worst of times" and was and still am confused why such message could bring about guilt? I assured her, that she has been a terrific friend. To further illustrate my point, I added, "Honestly if I were in your shoes, I would have stayed away". And I meant it.

Back when we were in college, things were simple and easy. You work hard in your studies, you get good grades. If not, you don't.
Back then, we all had equal chances in life. Our futures were bright with idealistic prospects. 7 years have passed and reality came to us in different ways. Some changed, and in my case, I was devastated by it.
We are in college no more.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

- Lewis Benedictus Smedes

Harper’s Bazaar Man, Oct 2010, Dr Farish Noor’s interview,

“…in Kashmir, after the earthquake of 2005, I met an old woman in her smashed-up ruins of a house, crying as she was cooking. She was crying because that morning her eldest son died in a freak motorcycle accident. His head was crushed by a lorry and we could not identify the body. The woman was crying but she still had to cook for her other children; life had to go on, despite the earthquake that destroyed her home and ruined their lives. That taught me the power of the human spirit and of its capacity to cope with tragedy. Till today, I think of this woman and how much more she has suffered. That usually shuts me up and tells me to just endure and get on with things.”

Jiaozhou Bay Bridge, World's Longest Cross-Sea Bridge. Photo courtesy of AP

From a forwarded email.....
This is amazing, he died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book The Last Lecture before then, one of the bestsellers in 2007.

In a letter to his wife Jai and his children, Dylan, Logan , and Chloe, he wrote this beautiful "guide to a better life" for his wife and children to follow.

POINTS ON HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE
Personality:
1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
3. Don't overdo; keep your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/ her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:
15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least three people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.
23. GOD heals everything
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
30. If you know GOD, you will always be happy. So, be happy.

Corey, I Never Knew I Had A Choice, pg 354

Unlike loneliness, solitude is something that we choose for ourselves. In solitude, we make time to be ourselves, to discover who we are, and to renew ourselves. In her beautiful poetic book Gift From the Sea, Lindbergh describes her own need to get away by herself to find her center, to simplify her life, and to nourish herself so that she could give to others again.

Taken in my good mood ages ago and had forgotten about them until recently.

got all these from stumbleupon.

Unusual decision

I have been shying away from meeting friends for a very long time.

Two nights ago, when a (J) friend invited me for dinner, I instinctively wanted to turn her down.
Both of us were unable to leave the workplace due to BERSIH roadblock.
But something inside me urged me to 'go'.
I thought, "Hey, you want to make some changes in your life, right? Why don't you start by being more sociable?"

So, off I went.
I was very nervous.
She was my old primary schoolmate.
Surely she's curious how I've been.
She made a few polite enquiries, and didn't pursue further.
I was relieved.
I didn't want to lie to her, but I don't want to steer our conversation to my depressing life .

We then, began to talk about a lecturer whom both of us knew.
J revealed a shocking news.
That sweet lady whom I had a few contacts with, was actually suffering from mental illness.
I listened in horror (gasping several times) as J recounted several incidents that had occurred in the faculty.
I felt very sorry for the lecturer.
J told me that only one person, a professor had the courage to do to right thing.

The professor told her (the lecturer) to her face that she needs to see a doctor urgently.
I was very impressed when I heard it.
Obviously it was a uncomfortable situation to give unsolicited advice, but it was necessary.

All of us would take the easy way and just avoid the person/problem.
Who would genuinely care and have the courage to do the right thing?
I'm glad to hear that out of the entire staff, there was ONE lady who did.

I don't know how the lecturer is currently doing as she has already left her employment.
But I hope she knows that there are still people who genuinely cares for her and hopes for her recovery.

I'm glad I made the unusual decision of having dinner with J.
I need to make more changes in my decisions.

More from the Q&A ,

"Seeing happy people can be scary sometimes for me.
I remember being very panicky and overly anxious just before entering the exam hall,years ago.
But the students around me were joking and laughing.
It was a very scary situation for me because I was wondering, why am I not feeling like them at all? instead, I felt as if I was going to the slaughterhouse.
Seeing how other people celebrate their lives is very scary for me.
I must be clear here to emphasize that the feeling is NOT envy.
I feel scared because I can't feel the same joy that they're feeling.
The sight of happy people constantly reminds me that I'm not normal (or in the medical term, not healthy)."