I have just bid farewell to my foreigner co-worker who is going to London for greener pastures.
I really admire his courage to take such a big step, leaving his comfort zone.
For the past few weeks, I felt his anxiety as he was facing a lot of problems with the visa application.
But he persevered and was not at all deterred with the paperwork obstacles nor the financial difficulties that he will face for the next 3 years.
He is absolutely certain of his choice of path.

Tonight, as I shook his wife's hand, she said;"We have to live by faith sometimes."

I wish I had some of that kind of faith. Afterall, my mind can't make sense out of life most of the time anyway. =/

10 Reasons You Are Rich

(taken from http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/11/03)

-You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.

-You didn’t go to sleep outside.

-You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning.

-You hardly broke a sweat today.

-You didn’t spend a minute in fear.

-You have access to clean drinking water.

-You have access to medical care.

-You have access to the Internet.

-You can read.

-You have the right to vote.


Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.
- Henry David Thoreau

Malaysian inmate Jasotha Thureisingam dancing in a circus, inspired by Cirque du Soleil, as her fellow inmates look on at the Santa Monica Prison for women in Lima, Peru.

photo by oneclick.indiatimes.com

This picture was featured in the local daily.
I was very captivated by this picture and the story behind it.
I tell myself, this is really something worth taking example of.

Despite the sorrow and hopelessness that surround them, they still manage to somehow find the strength and reasons to celebrate.

Part Two.

My friend’s condition wasn’t as bad as I had feared.
We chatted and laughed.
We even made effort to chat with other patients, though they were futile attempts as most of them weren’t lucid.
As I stayed on with her, I began to share my own experience at the ward with her.
I’m glad I did, because I thought I had forgotten most of it.
I was surprised that I could remember so many colourful characters whom I got to know in that ward. Despite the circumstances, I did have some good memories there.

Unlike the present situation, I remember the place to be very lively, especially the common area where the male and female patients interacted.
We had cardgames, boardgames, and people chatting non-stop!
I remember sharing a lot of laughter there

During my 3 hours visit, I related at least 10 patients’ stories to my friend.
I candidly told her about their brief background stories or the stories about my encounter with them.
It wasn’t dark at all, but entertaining.

Or perhaps I dare describe the stories as entertaining, knowing that it’s all in the past now.

When I heard that one of my friends from the support group was admitted to the hospital, I had the immediate intention of visiting her. However, I did get a bit nervous as it was the same hospital that I was in five years ago.
Even as I entered the parking area, I felt all the bad memories gushing to my head.
I began to recall the anxiety and emotional turmoil which I had during my last few visits.
My mind must have been quite a mess back then because I can’t recall how to get to the ward. My confused face was rather conspicuous that a doctor even stopped his stride and asked me where I wanted to go.

I hesitated and stammered, “Psychiatry”
As I was reaching the ward, the nerves got even more agitated as nothing looked familiar at all.
Indeed, I was very ill back then.
I found my friend and I was very much relieved.
Then, good memories began to pour in.


-end of part one

Today, I chatted with my colleague about our bad parking experiences.
When I first started driving, I always thought that the car nearest to the available parking space is the one rightful to it.
However, these days, that rule is no longer observed in busy car park areas.
The rule now simply is, 'Who can squeeze into the space first'.
And if you're not happy with it, you'd have to confront your opposing driver.
With that sort of driver who doesn't observe the former rule, you can expect an unpleasant confrontation.
Therefore, most of us would just curse our bad luck and drive away.
Thus, the new rule is enforced.
--Car parks prioritises the road bullies--

But this one incident really caused me to type this blog entry.
My car was blocked by a double-parked car.
The car didn't leave his immediate contact number on the dashboard and had left me waiting at my car for 40mins despite numerous horn blasting attempts.
I was very relieved when the owner of the car next to me came to take something from her car.
With great joy and hope, I asked if she could just move her car just momentarily to give way for me.

Her answer shocked me.
"What if I lose this parking space?"
I explained that she can reverse her car towards to traffic flow, which will guarantee her parking space from being taken away.
She gave it a 5 seconds thought.
"Er, no lar. You just wait for a few minutes lar. Office hours ends in a few minutes, that driver will come soon."
She left me dumbfounded.

I could have been more persuasive, but I was too shocked that a person can be that selfish.
Office hours ends in MORE than an hour's time!
I was too shocked to say anything to her and just watched her walk away in hurry.
The double-parked driver came after an hour's time waiting, but it was that lady who perturbed me more.
I kept trying to play in my head.
Am I overreacting for being offended?
Perhaps it is the norm practice these days?
Sigh....
What is civilisation when courtesy is no longer observed?

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. ~James D. Miles

I'm a very sensitive person.
Although I wish I could "de-sensitise" myself a few notch lower, it seems to be a stubborn nature leech to my senses.

Therefore, whenever shit happens, eg -dealing with rude, unreasonable, self-centred people; I get very affected.

But I still do try to rationalise the situation to myself in order to be a 'better' person. Perhaps my EQ can still be nurtured?

I'm now trying to refrain myself from repeating the incidents to my colleagues, or friends. Whenever I do, I have to reenact the whole scene for their better understanding. Me, being a natural dramatist,would role play the 'villain'.
Usually, I can reenact out the role well because I was very angry,annoyed and felt that I was unfairly treated.
I would repeat every absurd word they said, every rude facial expression, and even highlight their enunciation of their abusive words.
It is at this point where I'd feel I have sinked to their level.

I have allowed the 'negativity' to further flourish, giving more attention than it deserved.
Thus, I'm going to learn to ....LET IT GO...BE THE BIGGER PERSON

My friend was confiding in me.
Her issue was quite a difficult one to solve.
I could only offer a listening ear.

After awhile of awkward silence,
I said, "Wow, if Yasmin Ahmad* were to be alive, she just might turn your story into a film".
We both laughed.

##############################
*famous Malaysian director

A very special friend (I use the word special because we met at the most unusual circumstances) commented that my blog template looks too depressing.

Given the fact that he actually 'reads' my blog makes his comments substantial weight of influence.

Plus, I'm giving all the therapeutic suggestions a try, so I'm going to give all colors a go.

Afterall, there's no such thing as wrong colors in life.

I watched ECHOES OF THE RAINBOW - cantonese movie last night.
Sandra Ng's motherly character kept saying, "Chou Yan, Chong Yu Sun"

"TO LIVE, YOU MUST BELIEVE".
During the darkest hour, she held on to this belief to fight off the despair that was mounting on her family.

Tragedy after another, she still kept repeating the quote like a mantra.

There was simply no other belief she could choose.

I've always thought that it's my own fault that I'm 'friend-less'.
I had believed that I deserved to be left alone as I was 'inconvenient' to many people around me.

Then, I read this quote from "SHOOT THE DAMN DOG" by Sally Brampton.
###########
Yet,after I left the psychiatric unit, he was bewildered to be met by tears and anger at his absence. 'But I thought that was what I was supposed to do,'he said, himself in tears.'I thought I was supposed to leave you alone.'
Why? In which other illness are we supposed to leave people alone?
This is an aside, I know, but it may be important for anyone who does not know what to do when a friend or loved one is in a mental hospital. Go and visit them, unless they are too ill to see people or have expressly said that they don't want visitors. The nursing staff will tell you if that is the case. Send them something, whether it is love, flowers or a card. Let them know that you care, and that they matter. Don't wait to be asked. The depressive is in no state to make that sort of demand. They scarcely know their own mind.###########

Last night was a good night. Students left early, we closed the library on the dot.
We were 2 minutes early to clock out. So, my colleague and I had to wait, as you can see, the machine is at the right side of the photo and my colleague was reading the poster at the left.



While waiting for the seconds to pass, I just click this into my cheap old mobile phone. This is the view of the exit near the machine.Ah.. good night indeed.
Learning to appreciate the little things in life.

Most of the students I deal with on daily basis give me a very poor impression of the general standard of integrity they possess.
But today at the counter, I was delightfully surprised.
After I have cleared the young man's borrowed books into the RETURN category,
he offered to put the books back to its specific place in the shelve.
In my 4 weeks here, I've never heard of such gesture.
I took the books and was about to put in on the trolley just behind me- which is the standard practice. When the trolley is almost full, I will shelve them back.
I looked at him dumbfounded. Perhaps I heard him wrongly?
"You want to help me shelve these back?"
He nodded.
"Why? You don't have to. I'd just put them here at the trolley",I started giggling nervously.
"No,no. It's ok, it's my last visit here at the library. I'm graduating soon"
I relented as he looked very serious.

I'm feeling so good about this incident. Aww.. what a nice young man.
Suddenly, I realised I might have been fooled.
Perhaps he had damaged the book!
So, before I could even check it, he quickly put it back at the shelves, clearing himself of all accusations!!!
I'm such a fool!
I'm going to check the books now!
Just to verify my suspicions and teach myself a lesson.

*******************15 mins later*************
Ok... He's a good boy.
Wow, can you believe just how gungho I was to get unto his case?
I had to retrive the book simply by a vague memory of the book, then search its previous loans, to get his name and account!
Anyway, he's clear.
Sigh, is it just me or we just can't seem to accept that there is still goodness in life without caution and REcautioning?

Here I am, sitting at the library counter, feeling a bit bored.
Oh dear, would my brain agility deteriorate months later?
My colleagues from my former department had warned me about this.
But I was insistent.
I was and still am sure that this working environment will better suit me.

Afterall, mental stability is my foremost priority.

Elizabeth; The Golden Age by William Nicholson and Michael First.

“When the storm breaks, each man acts in accordance of his nature. Some are dumb with fear. Some flee. Some hide. And some spread their wings like eagles and soar on the wind.”



My performance at work is so bad, that my poor overworked colleague had to take my share, adding to her already impossible burden.

Counsellor taught me the importance of 'thought replacement'.
I just hope to practise it 'soon', before the storm comes.

I'm stuck.
Very stuck.

Oh God, please make a change.
I'm so tired.
I'm so depressed.
I'm so tired of being depressed.

I received a postcard from Italy last week.
Boy, I was so happy.
Not much was written but the thought that was put into to it that counts..
thank you so much, my dear friend.
Best gift of the year!

I just typed my own Online nickname on Google.
I was very faithful to my nickname and it was traced to all the forums I've been.
So much of myself is revealed.
Worst,
How did it trace back to this blog?
I've changed it ages ago !
I'll never be able to understand computers...IT...etc...

I'm now very exposed.

Awww..come on, I didn't commit any crime.
It happened to me.
I didn't look for it.
I didn't make it happen.

It happened to me.