I'm a very sensitive person.
Although I wish I could "de-sensitise" myself a few notch lower, it seems to be a stubborn nature leech to my senses.

Therefore, whenever shit happens, eg -dealing with rude, unreasonable, self-centred people; I get very affected.

But I still do try to rationalise the situation to myself in order to be a 'better' person. Perhaps my EQ can still be nurtured?

I'm now trying to refrain myself from repeating the incidents to my colleagues, or friends. Whenever I do, I have to reenact the whole scene for their better understanding. Me, being a natural dramatist,would role play the 'villain'.
Usually, I can reenact out the role well because I was very angry,annoyed and felt that I was unfairly treated.
I would repeat every absurd word they said, every rude facial expression, and even highlight their enunciation of their abusive words.
It is at this point where I'd feel I have sinked to their level.

I have allowed the 'negativity' to further flourish, giving more attention than it deserved.
Thus, I'm going to learn to ....LET IT GO...BE THE BIGGER PERSON

My friend was confiding in me.
Her issue was quite a difficult one to solve.
I could only offer a listening ear.

After awhile of awkward silence,
I said, "Wow, if Yasmin Ahmad* were to be alive, she just might turn your story into a film".
We both laughed.

##############################
*famous Malaysian director

A very special friend (I use the word special because we met at the most unusual circumstances) commented that my blog template looks too depressing.

Given the fact that he actually 'reads' my blog makes his comments substantial weight of influence.

Plus, I'm giving all the therapeutic suggestions a try, so I'm going to give all colors a go.

Afterall, there's no such thing as wrong colors in life.

I watched ECHOES OF THE RAINBOW - cantonese movie last night.
Sandra Ng's motherly character kept saying, "Chou Yan, Chong Yu Sun"

"TO LIVE, YOU MUST BELIEVE".
During the darkest hour, she held on to this belief to fight off the despair that was mounting on her family.

Tragedy after another, she still kept repeating the quote like a mantra.

There was simply no other belief she could choose.

I've always thought that it's my own fault that I'm 'friend-less'.
I had believed that I deserved to be left alone as I was 'inconvenient' to many people around me.

Then, I read this quote from "SHOOT THE DAMN DOG" by Sally Brampton.
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Yet,after I left the psychiatric unit, he was bewildered to be met by tears and anger at his absence. 'But I thought that was what I was supposed to do,'he said, himself in tears.'I thought I was supposed to leave you alone.'
Why? In which other illness are we supposed to leave people alone?
This is an aside, I know, but it may be important for anyone who does not know what to do when a friend or loved one is in a mental hospital. Go and visit them, unless they are too ill to see people or have expressly said that they don't want visitors. The nursing staff will tell you if that is the case. Send them something, whether it is love, flowers or a card. Let them know that you care, and that they matter. Don't wait to be asked. The depressive is in no state to make that sort of demand. They scarcely know their own mind.###########

Last night was a good night. Students left early, we closed the library on the dot.
We were 2 minutes early to clock out. So, my colleague and I had to wait, as you can see, the machine is at the right side of the photo and my colleague was reading the poster at the left.



While waiting for the seconds to pass, I just click this into my cheap old mobile phone. This is the view of the exit near the machine.Ah.. good night indeed.
Learning to appreciate the little things in life.

Most of the students I deal with on daily basis give me a very poor impression of the general standard of integrity they possess.
But today at the counter, I was delightfully surprised.
After I have cleared the young man's borrowed books into the RETURN category,
he offered to put the books back to its specific place in the shelve.
In my 4 weeks here, I've never heard of such gesture.
I took the books and was about to put in on the trolley just behind me- which is the standard practice. When the trolley is almost full, I will shelve them back.
I looked at him dumbfounded. Perhaps I heard him wrongly?
"You want to help me shelve these back?"
He nodded.
"Why? You don't have to. I'd just put them here at the trolley",I started giggling nervously.
"No,no. It's ok, it's my last visit here at the library. I'm graduating soon"
I relented as he looked very serious.

I'm feeling so good about this incident. Aww.. what a nice young man.
Suddenly, I realised I might have been fooled.
Perhaps he had damaged the book!
So, before I could even check it, he quickly put it back at the shelves, clearing himself of all accusations!!!
I'm such a fool!
I'm going to check the books now!
Just to verify my suspicions and teach myself a lesson.

*******************15 mins later*************
Ok... He's a good boy.
Wow, can you believe just how gungho I was to get unto his case?
I had to retrive the book simply by a vague memory of the book, then search its previous loans, to get his name and account!
Anyway, he's clear.
Sigh, is it just me or we just can't seem to accept that there is still goodness in life without caution and REcautioning?

Here I am, sitting at the library counter, feeling a bit bored.
Oh dear, would my brain agility deteriorate months later?
My colleagues from my former department had warned me about this.
But I was insistent.
I was and still am sure that this working environment will better suit me.

Afterall, mental stability is my foremost priority.

Elizabeth; The Golden Age by William Nicholson and Michael First.

“When the storm breaks, each man acts in accordance of his nature. Some are dumb with fear. Some flee. Some hide. And some spread their wings like eagles and soar on the wind.”



My performance at work is so bad, that my poor overworked colleague had to take my share, adding to her already impossible burden.

Counsellor taught me the importance of 'thought replacement'.
I just hope to practise it 'soon', before the storm comes.

I'm stuck.
Very stuck.

Oh God, please make a change.
I'm so tired.
I'm so depressed.
I'm so tired of being depressed.

I received a postcard from Italy last week.
Boy, I was so happy.
Not much was written but the thought that was put into to it that counts..
thank you so much, my dear friend.
Best gift of the year!

I just typed my own Online nickname on Google.
I was very faithful to my nickname and it was traced to all the forums I've been.
So much of myself is revealed.
Worst,
How did it trace back to this blog?
I've changed it ages ago !
I'll never be able to understand computers...IT...etc...

I'm now very exposed.

Awww..come on, I didn't commit any crime.
It happened to me.
I didn't look for it.
I didn't make it happen.

It happened to me.

DESTINY

I was reading a 'FACE READING' book, written by a reknown HongKong fortune teller/fengshui master.

There was a particular type of face shape that describes the person's mental destiny.

"This is a very bad face shape. The person is destined to struggle with mental problems his/her whole life"

My heart sank.
The picture shown in the book is similar to my face shape.

I'm currently merely living out my destiny?
How much of control do I have over it?

****the traffic light I pass by everyday to work****
Father once told me how exhilarated he was when he woke up without pain in his leg.
Suddenly, he felt so blessed, so lucky.
Many people woke up without pain in their legs that same morning, but I'm sure he's the happiest one.

I have not been feeling anxious or depressed for the past weeks.
Many people wouldn't understand just how relieved I feel.

I was at a McD waiting.
A very energetic McD staff was clearing the table next to me.
He was mumbling to himself, "mesti clear cepat-cepat, mesti bersih-bersih,nanti boleh rehat" - translation "must clear quickly, must be clean, then rest"
I was very amused and smiled at him.
Till now, I don't know if he's 'special' or he's simply a very enthusiastic worker.
No matter what he is, I admire his approach to his work very much.

Afterall, how many people left in this world who are truly enthusiastic about their job?

I was severely depressed for more than a year.
A year of hopelessness and despair.
I didn't bother with many things in my life.
The white car was left unwashed for many many months.
Sometimes, my brother will help to 'clean' it time to time.
But his standard of cleanliness is far from my usual satisfactory standard.

Since last month, my new medication has helped me 'start over'.
Feeling normal and all, I began to caring about things in my life again.
Many of which includes this car.
Due to it's paint, it has accumulated a lot of stubborn stains.
Washing/polishing by hand would be hard.
So, I decided to send it to the 'specialist'.
It cost a bomb, but looking at it now, makes it worthwhile.

If only I could make the 'stains' in my life go away this easily too.

Forgiveness is Dead

The radio station was discussing on the topic of FORGIVENESS.
Many people call in, confessing just how sorry they are for not patching up with the people they cared for, till it's too late.
Usually it's death that brings forth the guilt.

I was thinking about the people whom I truly am mad at.
Honestly, I don't care if they die.
In a way, they are dead to me anyway.
It was when I stopped caring for them, that I stopped getting hurt.
Does it make me a bad person?

In the past, I cry each time I quarrel with them or when they disappoint me.
But when I stopped caring for them, the pain went away instantly.
When I tell myself that these people shouldn't matter in my life,
I started living better, more focussed, happier.

Is that bad?

Shadow of Darkness

I truly wonder if I have the spirit to continue fighting...

Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel the inclination to fall.
There seems to be a shadow of darkness following me close by.
If I'm not careful, if I 'm paying not attention for just a minute, the dark shadow will overtake me, swallowing me awhole.
So, I have to continuously look over my shoulder to make sure that I always take the lead and not the darkness.