Last night was a good night. Students left early, we closed the library on the dot.
We were 2 minutes early to clock out. So, my colleague and I had to wait, as you can see, the machine is at the right side of the photo and my colleague was reading the poster at the left.



While waiting for the seconds to pass, I just click this into my cheap old mobile phone. This is the view of the exit near the machine.Ah.. good night indeed.
Learning to appreciate the little things in life.

Most of the students I deal with on daily basis give me a very poor impression of the general standard of integrity they possess.
But today at the counter, I was delightfully surprised.
After I have cleared the young man's borrowed books into the RETURN category,
he offered to put the books back to its specific place in the shelve.
In my 4 weeks here, I've never heard of such gesture.
I took the books and was about to put in on the trolley just behind me- which is the standard practice. When the trolley is almost full, I will shelve them back.
I looked at him dumbfounded. Perhaps I heard him wrongly?
"You want to help me shelve these back?"
He nodded.
"Why? You don't have to. I'd just put them here at the trolley",I started giggling nervously.
"No,no. It's ok, it's my last visit here at the library. I'm graduating soon"
I relented as he looked very serious.

I'm feeling so good about this incident. Aww.. what a nice young man.
Suddenly, I realised I might have been fooled.
Perhaps he had damaged the book!
So, before I could even check it, he quickly put it back at the shelves, clearing himself of all accusations!!!
I'm such a fool!
I'm going to check the books now!
Just to verify my suspicions and teach myself a lesson.

*******************15 mins later*************
Ok... He's a good boy.
Wow, can you believe just how gungho I was to get unto his case?
I had to retrive the book simply by a vague memory of the book, then search its previous loans, to get his name and account!
Anyway, he's clear.
Sigh, is it just me or we just can't seem to accept that there is still goodness in life without caution and REcautioning?

Here I am, sitting at the library counter, feeling a bit bored.
Oh dear, would my brain agility deteriorate months later?
My colleagues from my former department had warned me about this.
But I was insistent.
I was and still am sure that this working environment will better suit me.

Afterall, mental stability is my foremost priority.

Elizabeth; The Golden Age by William Nicholson and Michael First.

“When the storm breaks, each man acts in accordance of his nature. Some are dumb with fear. Some flee. Some hide. And some spread their wings like eagles and soar on the wind.”



My performance at work is so bad, that my poor overworked colleague had to take my share, adding to her already impossible burden.

Counsellor taught me the importance of 'thought replacement'.
I just hope to practise it 'soon', before the storm comes.

I'm stuck.
Very stuck.

Oh God, please make a change.
I'm so tired.
I'm so depressed.
I'm so tired of being depressed.

I received a postcard from Italy last week.
Boy, I was so happy.
Not much was written but the thought that was put into to it that counts..
thank you so much, my dear friend.
Best gift of the year!

I just typed my own Online nickname on Google.
I was very faithful to my nickname and it was traced to all the forums I've been.
So much of myself is revealed.
Worst,
How did it trace back to this blog?
I've changed it ages ago !
I'll never be able to understand computers...IT...etc...

I'm now very exposed.

Awww..come on, I didn't commit any crime.
It happened to me.
I didn't look for it.
I didn't make it happen.

It happened to me.

DESTINY

I was reading a 'FACE READING' book, written by a reknown HongKong fortune teller/fengshui master.

There was a particular type of face shape that describes the person's mental destiny.

"This is a very bad face shape. The person is destined to struggle with mental problems his/her whole life"

My heart sank.
The picture shown in the book is similar to my face shape.

I'm currently merely living out my destiny?
How much of control do I have over it?

****the traffic light I pass by everyday to work****
Father once told me how exhilarated he was when he woke up without pain in his leg.
Suddenly, he felt so blessed, so lucky.
Many people woke up without pain in their legs that same morning, but I'm sure he's the happiest one.

I have not been feeling anxious or depressed for the past weeks.
Many people wouldn't understand just how relieved I feel.

I was at a McD waiting.
A very energetic McD staff was clearing the table next to me.
He was mumbling to himself, "mesti clear cepat-cepat, mesti bersih-bersih,nanti boleh rehat" - translation "must clear quickly, must be clean, then rest"
I was very amused and smiled at him.
Till now, I don't know if he's 'special' or he's simply a very enthusiastic worker.
No matter what he is, I admire his approach to his work very much.

Afterall, how many people left in this world who are truly enthusiastic about their job?

I was severely depressed for more than a year.
A year of hopelessness and despair.
I didn't bother with many things in my life.
The white car was left unwashed for many many months.
Sometimes, my brother will help to 'clean' it time to time.
But his standard of cleanliness is far from my usual satisfactory standard.

Since last month, my new medication has helped me 'start over'.
Feeling normal and all, I began to caring about things in my life again.
Many of which includes this car.
Due to it's paint, it has accumulated a lot of stubborn stains.
Washing/polishing by hand would be hard.
So, I decided to send it to the 'specialist'.
It cost a bomb, but looking at it now, makes it worthwhile.

If only I could make the 'stains' in my life go away this easily too.

Forgiveness is Dead

The radio station was discussing on the topic of FORGIVENESS.
Many people call in, confessing just how sorry they are for not patching up with the people they cared for, till it's too late.
Usually it's death that brings forth the guilt.

I was thinking about the people whom I truly am mad at.
Honestly, I don't care if they die.
In a way, they are dead to me anyway.
It was when I stopped caring for them, that I stopped getting hurt.
Does it make me a bad person?

In the past, I cry each time I quarrel with them or when they disappoint me.
But when I stopped caring for them, the pain went away instantly.
When I tell myself that these people shouldn't matter in my life,
I started living better, more focussed, happier.

Is that bad?

Shadow of Darkness

I truly wonder if I have the spirit to continue fighting...

Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel the inclination to fall.
There seems to be a shadow of darkness following me close by.
If I'm not careful, if I 'm paying not attention for just a minute, the dark shadow will overtake me, swallowing me awhole.
So, I have to continuously look over my shoulder to make sure that I always take the lead and not the darkness.

Below are entries written 2 weeks ago.
To my utmost surprise, I actually found a depression support group in my city. I've always thought these groups don't exist in Malaysia. So , there I was last week.

Again, I was surprised by the attendees. I can relate to them very much. They may come from different age group, race, economic background, yet I feel a strong connection with them.
The pain that we had to go through, that was what bonded us together.

Although we didn't get too personal, some of the things discussed were close to my heart. I did feel encouraged.

Finally, for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'less alone' in this struggle.

for the first time, in a very long time,
I felt 'that things may brighten up'

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I might just get better'.

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I just might be OK.

Written a week ago,
I'm very grateful that I haven't had any anxieties at work yet.
In my past experience, I always have anxieties within the first few days of work.
I'm giving credit to the new medication I'm taking, SULPIRIDE.
However, I'm quite confused as why I'm taking it because I'm diagnosed BIPOLAR_BORDERLINE.

My dear readers, I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this 'normal'.
No worries, No quick heartbeats, No anxieties, No Fear.

To some people, going through an ordinary day is mundane.
But for me, ordinary means BLESSING.

Last Sunday, I drove 30 mins to have dinners with my Depression Support Group members.
It was so comforting to see familiar faces waving at me when I arrived at the restaurant.
My friend asked, "I thought you wouldn't come because you were afraid to travel".
I answered, "I decided to start making changes in my life".
She gave a very wide smile.

Sis greeted me via facebook chat.
Started with harmless 'hellos' and 'how are yous', when suddenly we stepped into a very touchy incident.
It is the same incident that we have had endless argument on.
Even both of us felt ''Oh, here we go again'' annoyance.

Yes, the tempers flared again.
And then, back to the COLD relationship again, where we simply don't communicate anymore.

The hurt and anger is very real.
But the worst part is that I had let these feelings destroyed me.
Almost.

A ComeBack

My dear friends.
I have thought long and hard over this post.
After a series of depressive droughts and self-destructive manic episodes, it has been really hard for me to face the world.
From the neighbours to my closest friends.
There were times where I couldn't even look at strangers in the eye, that's how terribly low my self esteem was and sometimes still is.

I feel very apologetic to many people. Wish I could render my barest thoughts to them just how sorry I am over my behaviour back when I wasn't 'well'.
But how do I explain 'wasn't well'?
Would they believe me?
If they do, will they still want to be friends with me?
If they don't, will they despise me more?

To those who believe me and still want to be friends,
- I feel that an apology isn't enough. I need to 'be well' consistently and take responsibility for my recovery and treatment to ensure that I don't become a 'thorn' amongst the society. To contribute my self-purpose to the society and worthy of your friendships.

To the special few of you's..
- Words aren't enough to repay your generous tolerance with me. Please believe me when I say - the word appreciation takes on a whole new level here. I will always make the effort to contact you, to remind you that I will always try to be a better person and friend

When will I ever learn?
I find myself repeating the same self-damaging mistakes.
Or am I being too hard on myself?

I have personality disorder.
The question is, do I actually possess any part of the personality that isn't 'disordered'?
How can a person not possess a personality that is true to themself?
I must have one then.
Which is it?

These questions must have a positive purpose, my therapist says.
Positivity.
How long I've neglected and underestimated it.

My dear friends.
You are reading this.
Thank you.
It means a lot.

It is very frightening how time just whiz by.

Things have not been well at all.

But I got a lot going on in my head, not knowing if it's good .
I desperately need to change.

"Babe" - Emo Poet, izit?
Meow..
I've got so much to say to you gals.

Hmm... or perhaps I HaVe said too much...