DESTINY

I was reading a 'FACE READING' book, written by a reknown HongKong fortune teller/fengshui master.

There was a particular type of face shape that describes the person's mental destiny.

"This is a very bad face shape. The person is destined to struggle with mental problems his/her whole life"

My heart sank.
The picture shown in the book is similar to my face shape.

I'm currently merely living out my destiny?
How much of control do I have over it?

****the traffic light I pass by everyday to work****
Father once told me how exhilarated he was when he woke up without pain in his leg.
Suddenly, he felt so blessed, so lucky.
Many people woke up without pain in their legs that same morning, but I'm sure he's the happiest one.

I have not been feeling anxious or depressed for the past weeks.
Many people wouldn't understand just how relieved I feel.

I was at a McD waiting.
A very energetic McD staff was clearing the table next to me.
He was mumbling to himself, "mesti clear cepat-cepat, mesti bersih-bersih,nanti boleh rehat" - translation "must clear quickly, must be clean, then rest"
I was very amused and smiled at him.
Till now, I don't know if he's 'special' or he's simply a very enthusiastic worker.
No matter what he is, I admire his approach to his work very much.

Afterall, how many people left in this world who are truly enthusiastic about their job?

I was severely depressed for more than a year.
A year of hopelessness and despair.
I didn't bother with many things in my life.
The white car was left unwashed for many many months.
Sometimes, my brother will help to 'clean' it time to time.
But his standard of cleanliness is far from my usual satisfactory standard.

Since last month, my new medication has helped me 'start over'.
Feeling normal and all, I began to caring about things in my life again.
Many of which includes this car.
Due to it's paint, it has accumulated a lot of stubborn stains.
Washing/polishing by hand would be hard.
So, I decided to send it to the 'specialist'.
It cost a bomb, but looking at it now, makes it worthwhile.

If only I could make the 'stains' in my life go away this easily too.

Forgiveness is Dead

The radio station was discussing on the topic of FORGIVENESS.
Many people call in, confessing just how sorry they are for not patching up with the people they cared for, till it's too late.
Usually it's death that brings forth the guilt.

I was thinking about the people whom I truly am mad at.
Honestly, I don't care if they die.
In a way, they are dead to me anyway.
It was when I stopped caring for them, that I stopped getting hurt.
Does it make me a bad person?

In the past, I cry each time I quarrel with them or when they disappoint me.
But when I stopped caring for them, the pain went away instantly.
When I tell myself that these people shouldn't matter in my life,
I started living better, more focussed, happier.

Is that bad?

Shadow of Darkness

I truly wonder if I have the spirit to continue fighting...

Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel the inclination to fall.
There seems to be a shadow of darkness following me close by.
If I'm not careful, if I 'm paying not attention for just a minute, the dark shadow will overtake me, swallowing me awhole.
So, I have to continuously look over my shoulder to make sure that I always take the lead and not the darkness.

Below are entries written 2 weeks ago.
To my utmost surprise, I actually found a depression support group in my city. I've always thought these groups don't exist in Malaysia. So , there I was last week.

Again, I was surprised by the attendees. I can relate to them very much. They may come from different age group, race, economic background, yet I feel a strong connection with them.
The pain that we had to go through, that was what bonded us together.

Although we didn't get too personal, some of the things discussed were close to my heart. I did feel encouraged.

Finally, for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'less alone' in this struggle.

for the first time, in a very long time,
I felt 'that things may brighten up'

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I might just get better'.

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I just might be OK.

Written a week ago,
I'm very grateful that I haven't had any anxieties at work yet.
In my past experience, I always have anxieties within the first few days of work.
I'm giving credit to the new medication I'm taking, SULPIRIDE.
However, I'm quite confused as why I'm taking it because I'm diagnosed BIPOLAR_BORDERLINE.

My dear readers, I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this 'normal'.
No worries, No quick heartbeats, No anxieties, No Fear.

To some people, going through an ordinary day is mundane.
But for me, ordinary means BLESSING.

Last Sunday, I drove 30 mins to have dinners with my Depression Support Group members.
It was so comforting to see familiar faces waving at me when I arrived at the restaurant.
My friend asked, "I thought you wouldn't come because you were afraid to travel".
I answered, "I decided to start making changes in my life".
She gave a very wide smile.

Sis greeted me via facebook chat.
Started with harmless 'hellos' and 'how are yous', when suddenly we stepped into a very touchy incident.
It is the same incident that we have had endless argument on.
Even both of us felt ''Oh, here we go again'' annoyance.

Yes, the tempers flared again.
And then, back to the COLD relationship again, where we simply don't communicate anymore.

The hurt and anger is very real.
But the worst part is that I had let these feelings destroyed me.
Almost.

A ComeBack

My dear friends.
I have thought long and hard over this post.
After a series of depressive droughts and self-destructive manic episodes, it has been really hard for me to face the world.
From the neighbours to my closest friends.
There were times where I couldn't even look at strangers in the eye, that's how terribly low my self esteem was and sometimes still is.

I feel very apologetic to many people. Wish I could render my barest thoughts to them just how sorry I am over my behaviour back when I wasn't 'well'.
But how do I explain 'wasn't well'?
Would they believe me?
If they do, will they still want to be friends with me?
If they don't, will they despise me more?

To those who believe me and still want to be friends,
- I feel that an apology isn't enough. I need to 'be well' consistently and take responsibility for my recovery and treatment to ensure that I don't become a 'thorn' amongst the society. To contribute my self-purpose to the society and worthy of your friendships.

To the special few of you's..
- Words aren't enough to repay your generous tolerance with me. Please believe me when I say - the word appreciation takes on a whole new level here. I will always make the effort to contact you, to remind you that I will always try to be a better person and friend

When will I ever learn?
I find myself repeating the same self-damaging mistakes.
Or am I being too hard on myself?

I have personality disorder.
The question is, do I actually possess any part of the personality that isn't 'disordered'?
How can a person not possess a personality that is true to themself?
I must have one then.
Which is it?

These questions must have a positive purpose, my therapist says.
Positivity.
How long I've neglected and underestimated it.

My dear friends.
You are reading this.
Thank you.
It means a lot.

It is very frightening how time just whiz by.

Things have not been well at all.

But I got a lot going on in my head, not knowing if it's good .
I desperately need to change.

"Babe" - Emo Poet, izit?
Meow..
I've got so much to say to you gals.

Hmm... or perhaps I HaVe said too much...

When I looked at my newly photographed passport-size photo,
I had this unpleasant look.
The photographer must have thought I was unhappy with how the photo was taken.
"Er, ok ah?", he asked.
I just nod my head and handed the money.

I couldn't tell him that I simply had forgotten how ugly I looked. =)

I got my braces removed, but I didn't want to wear the retainer because I simply can't afford the whole ordeal.
I am aware of the teeth allignment risk, but given the circumstances, I doubt it's a decision I'd regret.
Anyway,it was a very poor decision on my part to put the braces on 3 years ago.
What a complete waste of time, money and effort.
The funny thing was, the dentist made me sign on my dental reference card that "it's my decision".
Before I left, he reiterate that it's my fault to bear if there were any dispute between him and my parents regarding this decision.
I was like, ???
I'm already 28 !!!
And, it's just teeth...
I just left the dentist's room quietly and chirpily thanked the receptionist, knowing that I don't have to step into that place ever again!

I was very pleased to receive the phone call this morning.
Starting work on 4th of May.
Oh God,let this be a good start.

I heard something on the TVB drama which was very nice.
"In long term, if given the right reflection, even bad things can turn into good things"

Facebook always makes me sad.
And yet, I can't stay away from it.
I see how other people are out living their lives, while I continue to shrink myself in a perennial cocoon of depression.

Lately, I found myself muttering the same phrase,
"I wish I am normal".
I surprised myself, because I had never admitted such state upon myself.

The saddest part?
All three of us are like that.

It does feel weird to write again via blog.
I was chatting with sis,
"It's hard for you to put your thoughts down on paper, huh?"

Her "Er..." was the answer.
I can't expect people around me to communicate like myself.
Lately, I've been writing a lot of paper, some even on letters.
I always wonder how the recipients feel, my sister being one of them, but since she never complained, I supposed it's alright.

I was clearing up some of the papers in my old files, reliving the past few years.
I thought, "wow, this used to be so important to me"

Oh God, I really hope I"m slowly climbing back up on my feet.
It's already two months after Chinese New Year.

When pa and sis came home last week, I felt nonchalant about their presence.
But as the holiday was approaching to the end, I began to feel sentimental.

As a child, I used to cry whenever I leave Penang.
Constantly wishing I could turn back time.
I'm quite ashamed that I still harbour this childish thought.

I wrote a letter to my sis.
Just random thoughts.
I was quite surprised that I could analyse my mental disorder to her.
Suddenly after that, I felt more in control.
Perhaps now, I can slowly learn to work around it.

My mind has been very empty.
Really.
There were times when I think I might have just 'lost' it.

My sanity.
All of it.

Today, a perfect stranger gave me encouragement.
Oddly, although she's highly educated, I can't make her to understand the seriousness of my state of mind.
She kept repeating that I 'simply lack of confidence'.
How I wish...

But it was nice to chat with her during that brief few minutes.

Lately, I've been cutting out obituaries/deaths/suicide reports and pasting them in my scrapbook.


Yeah, I'm so weird.