It was all ME

I was upstairs crying.
Real bad. I was gasping for air.
My sister came up to check on me.
She wanted to know what happened.
I couldn't talk coherently.
I was gasping for air.

But I could never forget what I wanted to say.
"I really couldn't hear her. I was washing the dishes. It was raining."
My mother was downstairs cursing me.

# # # # #

I opened the gate and ran into the house.
I slipped and fell.
My knee was scratched.
My mother came to looked at me.
No, not to check how I was hurt.
She cursed me.
The scratch didn't hurt.
But later my eyes were wet.
The hand-me-down dress was more important.
# # # # #
I was mugged.
My sis told my dad.
His first reaction?
"See! I told you not to carry a handbag!"
I could never forget that awful smug on his face.
All the awful stories about ladies getting hurt by those chicken-ass muggers didn't even prompt him to ask me if I was hurt.
# # # # #

I was crying at the balcony.
I don't remember why. But I was sad. Really sad.
My shoulders were shaking.
My father saw me.
"So young already so much problems!"
Bam! He slammed the door.

All these are memories. Scars in my heart.
Ah.... Suddenly I have so much to write about.
About all the shitty people in my life.

my outlet

My psychiatrist told me that it's important for me to have an 'outlet' for all my negative energy.
She didn't quite believe me when I told her I have nobody to talk to.
NONE.
She couldn't believe what a loser I am.
I've tried explaining that all my life, I have been trying to make sense out of my life.
I tried to fit into my family,and into at least a handful of friends.
But obviously I have failed.

I'm tired.
Tired of reasoning.
Tired of justifying everything that has happened to me.
That's why I have not written nor read anything of quality for months.
I have given up.

"No,no... no... You try writing it all down into a piece of paper, then throw it away."

I kept quiet.
What? So, what difference does it make?
I just nod and left.
Wondering how long more I'd live.

I'm a Bad person

One of the most obvious symptoms of depression is GUILT.
For the past months, this phrase - "I'm a bad person'' would sum up as my memory verdict.

I know most people would just think that people suffering from depression are just some sorry-ass people who can't stop feeling pityful and feel that the world owes them perfection.

To me, the popular Harry Potter's Dementors had explain depression very well.

In the films, dementors appear to be considerably shorter, and fly rather than glide. In addition, close inspection reveals that the Dementors in the movies contain skeletal torsos and heads.
Being blind, Dementors sense and feed on the positive emotions of human beings to move around, forcing them to relive their worst memories. The very presence of a Dementor makes the surrounding atmosphere grow cold and dark, and the effects are cumulative with the number of Dementors present. Those kept in the company of a Dementor for too long become depressed, and are often driven insane, which is the main source of Azkaban's well-deserved horrible reputation.

Minutes of Fortune

I bought Sports Toto 4D for the first time in my life.
Why?
Because I had the most unusual dream.
And since I’m feeling suicidal, so why not?

So, on the DAY as I glanced through the results………….
Wait a minute!!
I won! I won….. I don’t know how much but it’s definitely enough to make me feel lucky!
Wait… Coz I don’t quite remember the numbers I bought.
So I took out the ticket to double check.
Hahahaha….
The winning number is 8879
I bought 7789.
But believe me, I’m darn glad I bought the ticket.
That few seconds of joy.
Yes. Ladies and gentlemen. Money CAN buy happiness.

Laughing Misery

I remember having mistakenly placed the words in the phrase,
"She laughed until she cried" to "She cried until she laughed"
The listeners of my tale laughed.
I could still remember my friend mimicking that latter expression.
We all laugh at how ridicule it would be.

Lately, I realised that it IS possible.
The pain can be so twisted, that our corresponding expressions get TWISTED too.

Blame Self

All my life, I was instilled with this mentality,
" Don't blame others for your own circumstances, but take control of your own life."
Yes, all self-help books say that.
Logical too.
BUT..........
Lately I discovered another painful truth in my life.
When I didn't blame others, but myself - I got into severe depression.
For years.

This is most probably my last post.
I’ve been introspecting my 25 years of life for the past months.
The inevitable conclusion = DISAPPOINTMENT

The greatest point of sadness is when you wish to speak but no words could come out.
In the end, we could just walk away.

Asimov's Friendship

I helped E buy Asimov's memoir and I found his thoughts on friendship very interesting.

Most friends are put together for convenience sake. We were doing the same thing at the same time. When that period of commonhood ends, the definition of the friendship dies along with it.

There are exceptions of course. Too bad for me, I wasn't fortunate enough to find/have them.

Forgotten

I have files of articles which I 've collected for years.

I was trying to file them into relevant categories when I surprised myself at the various interest of life which supposedly HAD my interest.

it's really funny.
Coz I was looking at the pieces of paper and went, "Why did I keep this?"

I felt kinda disappointed at myself when I recalled the reason.
Looking at the date of the article, I realised- I had forgotten.
Forgotten about the words and pictures that had inspired me, prompted me, planted ambitions in me, taught me.................

I had forgotten.

How I wish I'm THAT Yinnie.....

I've been mistakenly forwarded as part of the corresponding e-mail by this very vastly travelled family. I don't receive emails as much as I 'd like therefore, continued reading as part of their 'e-family'. Sad hor? Each time after I finish an email, how I wish..............
**********************************************
Hi dad and mom.
Got your emails and I've contacted Caroline Apt and they said they emailed you this morning. They said it has to be 7 days. If you want to confirm, you gotta place deposit. DO you need me to place the deposit first?
I've been really really busy. No time to email...Glad that you're having fun!

Hear from you sono!

Yinnie

Hi Loks & Yinnie,

Glad to know Joe Joe is recovering so well. We are in Slovenia capital city, Bustonjna., a very nice small city. This morning we drove down south to a city with hot spring, called Dobrna. Our group has 28 persons all old friends of mom. Has been very relaxing to travel with laught and fun. I have taken 500 photos already. Will show you when return to Melbourne.


Yin: if possible, go to Caroline and talk to them. We only want to book 5 nights instead of 7 nights. Mom is a bit worry. We are still waiting for their reply. The other thing is the phot frame. I have material and idea to make it. Hope that i have time to finish before I come over.
Loks: How is everything in China. Miss you.
Love,
Daddy Pines

Hi dad & mom!
So good to hear from you!Yes I will keep an eye on the apartment. I might give them a ring in the next few days just to get a confirmation.
I'd love to go to Prague or Europe one day! Gotta save up first! Hahaah!
Things have been good here. The weather has been quite crazy though. One day strong wind, next day bush fire. It's quite crazy. But it's fine. A lot of people are falling sick again because of the changing weather.

Oh, Jacci and Eng are engaged! He proposed last Saturday. I expected it becaue they have already started planning everything! They are getting married in April 2007. Very exciting! Jacci has asked me to be her Matron of Honour. It's called Matron of Honuor cos I'll be married. Usually, it's called Maid of Honour J hahah! So exciting!

So many weddings coming up. We just went to one last Saturday. And then 2 weeks time is Grace and Mark. And then November is ours. Then December is another friend's (one of our neighbours, who is Grace Luk's best friend), and then January is Mabel's wedding. Then a break in February, then March is another friend Juliet's wedding, and then April is Jacci and Eng! Wah!

Ok.. back to work! Hope to hear from you!

PS. Joe's neck is better. He's visiting physio to make sure it's better.

Yinnie

**************************************************************************** Hi Yinnie,
I will be fine. I got Caroline email this morning. I will handle it and send the deposit. No worry.
Have a good day. Do take care. Don't burn yourself out. Leave it to God.
Love,
Daddy Pines

Mel

Do you have ‘walking dictionary’ people around you?

I have a ‘walking motivational book’ friend!

I spoke to her last Sunday and now dedicate this post to her!

For the past 5 years of knowing her, I honestly can’t recall a moment when she doesn’t have any positive thing to say during predicaments.
Even when she’s the one who is struggling with circumstances, her well-stocked spectrum of motivational vocabularies are always readily available on her lips.

There are times where I do envy beautiful, popular, rich, smart, lucky friends around me. But that feeling fades away like cheap lipstick.

My envy for this friend?
It’s like Revlon.

It stays.

Pls believe me when I say..

My mother smelled something horrible in the storeroom. To her horror, she found that there was a dead rat hidden behind one of the many boxes.

As she continued to blame everything living around the neighborhood (yes, humans not spared) I was surprised to see many of my brother’s books in one of the boxes.

My brother has moved out many years ago and I truly wonder why he didn’t take the books with him. Many accounting, business, computer related books. There were even some company financial analyses/ reports. I could only identify a handful of words out of a sentence. I can’t help but marvel at my brother’s interest and his thirst for knowledge.

As I continued to dig deeper, I found some books that I could read.
They were motivational books and ‘How to’ books. Those books were yellowish but were far from tattered. Although I was amazed at the titles of his choice, the condition of the books were unsurprising because I know my brother keeps his books and stationeries with great care. Utmost care. Unbelievably utmost care.

Looking at the design and the yellowish-ness of the pages, I know that he must have purchased them back when he was in his teens.

As I plainly flipped the pages, I saw an old receipt that was used as a bookmark.
Anthonian bookstore! Dated 1989!
I bet nobody remembers this bookstore anymore. I wouldn’t either, hadn’t I have a brother who used to frequent there.

The book was something about studying smart and improving memory.
*counting with fingers* my brother was only 15 years old when he purchased this rm14.90 book!

Woah!... That’s a hefty sum!

Among the siblings, my brother is the most serious academician.
Back when we were still living in the same house, I could count on him to update me with general knowledge everything under the sun.
Like the rest of us, he was Malay-educated but he taught himself Mandarin and I could ask him to read some simple Chinese characters and translate some Taiwan jokes that I don’t understand from the tv.

Therefore I never hesitate to shower him with my genuine admiration for him during times when he’s down.
Sadly, he never took me seriously.

I also experience the similar feedback with my sister.
She was feeling a bit blue lately and I tried to perk up her self confidence by reminding her of her exceptional skills. Skills that friends and relatives repeatedly remind me I don’t posses.

“Aww, you really think so? It’s nice to know somebody feels so,” answered sis.

I really do wish my korkor jiejie (older bro sis) take me seriously.

Cobra

Cobra!!!
in my house.

I went downstairs and ... bam!! a 2 meter cobra startled me.
Dialed 994, no answer.

999, lady asked for name, house phone number and address.

20 LONG mins later, help came.

sigh.. my house ah.. what also got....

bliss-ED

I joined (self-invited actually) my sister with her group of friends for a 'yum-cha' session.

Yes, my social life has gone so bad that I'm destroying my sister's.
*Ok-lar. Won't do it again. Not in near future.hehe*

I saw an old lady on wheelchair seated across.
I thought, "Wah, no nice of her children to take her out. Despite the inconvenience. Hmm, now abled-bodied elders also hard to get out of the house."

Minutes later, I saw the same 'grandma' lighting a cigarette.
Wah lau!!!
I bend my neck to see a bigger picture.
She has her own personal cigarette container. - aiyo, i also don't know how to describe it. first time see. it just proves that she's a 'veteran' smoker lar.

Anyway, back to the story. For the first time in my life, I'm actually happy seeing somebody smoking. Yeah, I know. The cancer stick will send her earlier to her grave, but she knows what she's doing. And she really looks ... blissed...

time

I was going through some of my old notes back in 2003.

I was thinking, “Gosh! 3 years has gone and yet I don’t feel like it at all. 3 years…. If I was pregnant then, my kid could be running to me, calling ‘Mama’.”
- yes, it’s obvious I’ve reached an age where the maternity instinct is blasting.

It’s very frightening how time flew and I have so little achievement to commensurate it.

Opinions that unfortunately DO matter

Long time ago, a lecturer brought up the topic of ethical issues that occur in notable professions.

She used her personal experience to illustrate her point.
She testified the story about her brother mentally giving up the cancer battle after the doctor had told him that he had only half a year to live.
Her argument was- he could definitely have lived longer had not the doctor gave such prediction.
Conclusion= She blames the doctor.

I raised my hand because I thought this is one-sided story is very unsuitable for the passive journalism students to digest.

"I think the doctor was just fulfilling his professional duty to inform the patient based on his expert opinion. Afterall, our lives are all based on PROFESSIONAL opinions. Who builds the roads we use everyday? Who makes national policies? Who is to say what kind of clothes are suitable to wear? Ultimately we have to rely on the 'higher authorities' to run our lives. Blaming the doctor, is like blaming the teacher for failing the SPM student who later committed suicide because she was unable to accept her results" - this was the period where the results were just released, so, I used it as an example.

"It was in the examiner's professional opinion of the student's performance over the exam which ultimately reflects her intellectual capability. But why can't we blame the teacher for the actions the student choose to take?"

Till this day, I wondered if anyone in the lecture understood my argument because it was left just like that.....

Happiness

Happiness.

money can't buy happiness but...

Happiness can make money!!!!.

It's true, it's simple logic really.

People just tend to be more productive when they are 'happier'.

Also, because emotions are easily infectious,

People tend to rather be around 'happy' people and stay away from the otherwise.

Therefore, when you are happy you have already completed half of the core requirement of a successful business plan.

Good labour and market.......... you should also bear in mind the rest of the plan is unattainable with a sour face.

Sigh, it's not easy being happy. Yes, it's a choice. A choice like many others, - it requires discipline and conviction.

an inspiration

I've had this blog-post in mind for months but didn't dare to put it down for fear that the 'hero' of my story might read it.

Now, being so sure that he won't, YIPPEE!!! Ahem, here goes....

The morale of the story is - Never judge a book by its cover NOR underestimates a person's potential/capability.

During my stint at the bookstore, an experienced staff (Z) had guided me a lot. I'm just amazed at his capability of remembering titles of books and names of various authors. Man! He's like the walking Amazon search engine for the entire bookstore.

The bookstore has many rules about arranging the books.. and I'm not kidding about the descriptive "MANY", it's like to the extent of 'redundant' and 'leceh'... anyway, this guy - He is the bomb! He always manages to comply ALL rules. That's why he's put the key role.

This is the funniest part. He doesn't look the part at all. Matter of fact, if you are in need of assistance and even if you see HIM standing by, you'd think twice about asking him for Márquez or Lauren Weisberger or some Nyonya recipe book author. But his first impression will fool you,(I was) because just name it! He can take you automatically to the, and I mean, THE book itself.

(Z) = if you ARE reading this, no offense k? Please concentrate on the good part. Damn! i really do regret telling you about this blog.


How does he do it? It's simple actually.
He has the INTEREST and PRIDE in his work.

Seeing him work, just makes me wanna open a little bookstore myself.
What an inspiration..............................