I tried to commit suicide today.

I took the ladder, a long pants and climbed.

Unfortunately, the mirror on the wall collapsed.

Mother and sister came running.

They offer no comforting words, but rather annoyed at the mess I've made.

The fall scratched my right calf quite badly.

The suicidal ideation is still strong.

 The anxiety and panic attacks have worsened for the past few days.

So bad, that my sister and mother say that they can't bear looking at me.

"I can't look at your face!", visibly disturbed by my prolonged worried expression.

They know I can't help it but they are too burdened to offer words of comfort.

Last Monday, we picked Father up from the hospital.

What a relief that he can walk.

What a scare!

This morning, Father asked me to turn on the 8 o'clock news.

Father has the habit of watching the 8 o'clock night news. 

"Pa, do you think it's night time or day time?", pointing the bright sunshine outside.

"Yes, but it will be dark soon, why isn't dinner ready yet? Can you go tapau?" 

I couldn't handle this in addition to my anxiety.

I cried.

 Another dream crushed.

I moved into D2-407 with such dreamy aspirations.

I had bought so many many things for my new home.

It's now even an address which I can easily recall.

But now, all is irrelevant.

It is now my ex-home.

The moment I'm at the door, I see the doormat which I had bought.

The door bell, the shoe rack, the table, chairs, fan, space divider, ladder, screen shield at the window, the clock, the rack, the air fryer, stove, slow cooker, clock, even just the rubbish bin bags mean something to me.

I bought all these things for my home, for me to be comfortable in my home.

I now no longer have my own home.

On a different note, my housemate T, all of a sudden has turned very nasty towards me.

It all changed when she took over to be the main tenant.

A person's character is best seen in times of adversity.

Makes me wonder what had I been seeing for the previous months.

An illusion at best.

My landlord handled it very maturely.

He even comforted me by saying he hoped to rent out to me again.

Such good businessman.

 I've been feeling very anxious and restless lately.

So bad, that I can sense that I'm being a threat to myself.

I went back to my parents' home.

The presence of others help dilute the darkness.

The distraction helps.

Even an unharmonious environment beats the cold dark lonely self-harming thoughts.

Today is my 5th day home.

Anxiety still lingers.

But at least the darkness isn't as horrific.

I had to explain to my boss that I'd take a pay cut in lieu of the current responsibilities.

She was understandably perturbed.

All of a sudden, I told my landlord my decision of moving back home.

I'm still very fearful of this decision.

My current worries seems to be burdening me, so much that even the dentist (I went for treatment) asked me, "Are you worried about the procedure?".

I just answered, "Yes" as to not lead to more questions.