I feel my heart bleeding.

I feel my heart being constantly suppressed.

It's aching.

But I can't tell anyone, because it's nothing I haven't told before.

I have nothing new to tell.

It's all too familiar.

I'm tired of myself.

Worst of all, I look down upon myself.

Millions out there who are suffering worse predicament, so what do I have to complain about?

I know, depression isn't logic.

But rationale is the only thing that can keep me going.

If I hold on to emotions - well, that'll just kill me.

I'm still living my life.

Walking.

Smiling.

Socialising.

Functioning.

Going for work.

Going to gym.

I'm still living.

I'm still walking.

There is no other way.

“Reading is everything. Reading makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something, learned something, become a better person. 
Reading makes me smarter. Reading gives me something to talk about later on. 
Reading is the unbelievably healthy way my attention deficit disorder medicates itself. 
Reading is escape, and the opposite of escape; it’s a way to make contact with reality after a day of making things up, and it’s a way of making contact with someone else’s imagination after a day that’s all too real. Reading is grist. Reading is bliss.”

—Nora Ephron

The Photographer chronicled the journey through his photos.

Maickel Melamed ,a Venezuelan man who suffers from muscular dystrophy completed the Chicago Marathon early Monday morning, 17 hours after it started.

"When you cross this finish line, you think to yourself, 'I can do anything in my life,'" said Maickel , the last of more than 40,000 finishers.
It was the third marathon for the 38-year-old Caracas resident, but also the toughest. Unlike previous 26.2-mile races he completed in New York and Berlin, he was told to run on the sidewalks, not the streets.

 "My message is: If you dream it, make it happen," he told NBC. "Your life is the most beautiful thing that could happen to you. Make the best with that, and share the best of that. We come here to make a team. We come here to construct the best world that the children — our children — deserve." 

 Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/man-battling-muscular-dystrophy-completes-chicago-marathon-article-1.1485915#ixzz2iYV7pCwZ

"I've got an interview tomorrow at Mt. Sinai. I'm trying to get into their medical program."
 "What's the most frustrating thing about the human body?"
 "That there's so much we don't know about it.
Studying the human brain is like staring into outer space."

Taken from humans of newyork

A Wendy's employee removes the umbrella from a table outside to walk an elderly gentleman to his car in the rain.  

Taken from  SuspendedCoffeess

Akiane Kramarik is one of the most inspirational people you will ever meet. Upon receiving her inspiration from God “face-to-face” at the age of 4, she began drawing unbelievably amazing spirituality pictures.
As she grew older, her artwork has become increasingly complex as He spoke to her through sounds, shapes and sometimes through animals, but mainly with paint “as if it was talking to me”.
Akiane, a vegan, stated, “Each time I pick up that brush from my pallet, I feel we’re connected. I don’t need to talk to Him. I already know that He’s there. All I know is that He’s always going to be with me, forever.” 

In a recent interview, Akiane stated, “I don’t belong to any denomination or religion, I just belong to God.” “I define spirituality as a search for love, beauty, happiness and wisdom. Spirituality is a journey that we never finish.” ~Akiane Kramarik, 17
Year-old, Artist, Poet, Mystic

 
 “The tree of life for me is a symbol of abundance and eternal life.” ~ Akiane Kramarik, Age 12
" For some the story is a fairy-tale. But for me it was a personal encounter experienced at the age of four that I completely forgot, yet oddly enough was able to depict on linen. I have no idea if this image is from the past or future, from my own experience, revelation or just my imagination. All I know is that somehow my hands have touched its branches, its fruit and the soil around. "
Taken from http://truthseekerdaily.com/2013/09/12-year-old-girl-paints-heaven-child-prodigy-wvideo/

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once,

 with beauty and courage. 

Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” ― 

---Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

I got news that a Senior Lecturer's baby isn't well.

Seriously not well.

She had it tough.

She was in the midst of her divorce when she was pregnant and now this.

I don't really know her but I remember she was very interested in my running stories.

She'd listen and smile.

Nice lady.

So sad to hear that this is happening.

Just hours of knowing this tragedy, I bumped into her.

I gave a courteous smile and asked if she's leaving already. (Academic staff has flexi hours)

She said yes and gave a courteous goodbye or something -can't remember.

I noticed that she's thinner.

So sad.

I shared my thoughts with my brother.

"Isn't it sad that some people are fighting for their lives and here I am very willing to give mine away? I wish there's an exchange option available, but it just doesn't work that way...."

My brother immediately agreed, "I know what you're saying."
"Have you signed your donor card?"
"Since year 2000"

I'm depressed.
Really I am.
The symptoms are back.
Like a reunion.

However, I'm still capable of laughing and talking to people enthusiastically.
I'm not faking it.
And I'm fully aware of the irony EACH time it happens.

I went for Yoga last night.
The teacher wanted us to try a challenging pose which requires partnership.
I enjoyed the 'getting to know new friend' part in the process.
And guess what? I skipped back to my mat.
Yes, SKIPPED!

Today, I was re-watching my favourite tv series HOUSE.
There's one episode where the patient couldn't control the movement of his left arm.
He's suffering from a condition where his right brain couldn't communicate with his left.

Ok. I know I don't have such dramatic Hollywood condition, but I think my rational side of the brain is trying to 'cheer' my emotional side of my brain.

And I'm grateful.
I still have the rationale.

---Here's a secret.
A secret that might still elude many people out there...
 In all my life, the most empowering activities were often done alone in solitude.
From ballet dancing, figure skating, studying, reading, writing to creating an awareness and fundraising campaign in the early days.
 Because when we do these alone, we are walking our own path and journey.
We think for ourselves, we take action for ourselves, we take responsibility for ourselves.

That's why it is empowering.
 If you have time and don't know how to fill it up, do something that empowers you. ---

Taken from this amazing Yvonne-Foong-Ming-Niang

Top 5 regrets of dying:
#1 – I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself not the life others expected of me.
#2 – I wish I didn't work so hard.
#3 – I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
#4 - I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
#5 – I wish I had let myself be happier

My sweet friends M&M took me to this very high-end place - Publika to have breakfast.

The decor is amazing.

I must say, it IS very classy.

My behaviour however, was not.

I pointed out to M&M that the couple who sat behind them were fighting, in a very 'classy' manner.

We were separated by a glass wall, so we have no idea what they were saying and I was having fun guessing.

Hahaha...

I wonder if one occasionally forgets  that one's depressed, 

is one truly depressed?

To me, there is no greater way to achieve clarity than to run alone, or share miles with a trusted friend. Epiphany comes as we sweat it out, or if epiphany is out of reach — then peace.

 Kristin Armstrong, "Bless Your Heart," Mile Markers column, RunnersWorld.com

This morning, I went running.

I cried and ran at the same time.

Yeah.

Really.

But lucky no one saw.

Zen masters teach people: Attune yourself to nature by attuning to your own awareness of what is all around you, in each passing moment. Then you’d discover the peaceful moment that is always there as a potential. You can be aware of the whole, experiencing the wonders of nature with your own wonder. You are no different: You are nature itself.

There is not external standard in nature. Each flower, every tree, expresses its own nature, complete and perfect. If you go out into a forest, you will see tall trees and short ones, wide ones and narrow ones. Even within species, there are individual differences. Yet, trees don’t aspire to be taller or shorter: They just grow to the height they grow. This way of nature is our way, too. People become disturbed when they engage in comparisons or aspirations to be different from what they truly are. Meditation can help people to become aware of and the fully accept their true nature. Problems then fade away. Nothing is missing, and in this moment living in accord with our true nature, we are complete just as we are. -- Pg 67,

 “The handkerchief is one whole, one piece of woven silk. By my tying knots nothing has changed except its appearance. It is still a handkerchief”

Buddha’s point was that our senses, our ideas, our thoughts are all simply part of the flow of consciousness. Even though things fill our consciousness, our original mind is always clear and calm. Sometimes, we identify ourselves more with our problems (like the knots) that with our clear mind (the handkerchief), and this identification brings discomfort. We feel trapped, experiencing ourselves tied up in problems instead of recognizing that the problems are only a quality of our being, not our being itself. Anxiety can be overcome as clients begin to recognize hoe they are creating it by mistaking the knots for the handkerchief. --Pg 142

Zen Meditation in Psychotherapy, -Simpkins, A.

"It is important to maintain your equanimity. You cannot let yourself get too 'up' or too 'down' based on your circumstances."
"Too 'down' I understand. But why not too 'up?'"
 "Because the higher your mountains are, the deeper your valleys will seem. You should not react to the world.
You should respond, but not react. A response is an action based on logic. A reaction is an emotional state. Your reaction will not change the world.
Your reaction only changes you. Your response will change the world."

Taken from Humans of New York

I watched About Time.
Laughed and cried.
A bit too much and too loud.
I think my Bipolarity was too obvious in the cineplex.
= /
Thank God I was among very accepting friends.

''Never bring a gift smaller than the child...''

I've just received the best news ever!
I just saw my friend Max 's graduation photo via Facebook!
He's doing well.
I'm so happy.
We even had a brief online chat.

Best news I've heard for the past weeks.... really...
This is really great...
So good that I'm refraining from falling asleep just to type this. ( I took my meds an hour ago)
Finally.....
some good news...
The Darkness don't always win.

How do you live with HIV?" 

 "We just have to change our lifestyle and live on, like everybody else." 
 "HIV doesn't kill, we learn to LIVE with it".

Taken from stop_discrimination_against_hiv-campaign

"Came across this 7 years old girl. She came from a poor family background, staying in an one-room HDB with her young siblings. It is distracting to study at home, especially with her younger siblings.
So to concentrate for her coming exams, she chooses to do her studies by the staircase."
Taken from SingaporeNation.1

Taken from SuspendedCoffeess

For the past 6 years, a dog named Capitán has slept on the grave of his owner every night.
His owner, Miguel Guzmán died in 2006 and Capitán disappeared shortly after the family attended the funeral services. They searched everywhere and put out flyers to try and find him. But no one had seen him. 

A week later, some people who were at the cemetary late one evening spotted Capitán laying on a grave and they contacted the grounds keeper at the cemetary. The cemetary notified the family who promptly came to pick him up and take him home.
But each night he would cry and scratch frantically at the door to go out and he wouldn't return home until morning. It was later discovered that Capitán would walk the 3 miles back to the cemetary each night to guard his master's grave.
 It has been nearly 7 years now. The cemetary does not close the gates until he arrives each night promptly at 6 pm. He sleeps there all night guarding the grave until the grounds keeper opens the gate in the morning.

I gave up.
I cried.
I felt worthless.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I felt the darkness.
It was bad.
But it shall pass.

"It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean." ~Tony Robbins

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

Taken from humans of New York

"My father died of a heart attack when I was eight.
So my mother played the role of mother and father. She had four children to raise, so she had to go back to work full time. I know it was hard for her, but she always put on a brave face.
 I remember three days after Dad died, she was knocking on our doors, saying: 'Get up! It's time for school.' And we said, 'But Daddy just died.'
And she said, 'And he'd want you to go to school!'
 Pretty much her whole life was lived for other people.
She always seemed to take herself out of the equation.
Even when her cancer got really bad, she'd come home from the hospital, and she'd be broken hearted about the OTHER patients. She was always saying how broken hearted she was over all the young people she saw with cancer."

"When I was 20, I made a plan to get a good job and be secure.
Now I'm 35, and I need a plan to be happy."