I just typed my own Online nickname on Google.
I was very faithful to my nickname and it was traced to all the forums I've been.
So much of myself is revealed.
Worst,
How did it trace back to this blog?
I've changed it ages ago !
I'll never be able to understand computers...IT...etc...

I'm now very exposed.

Awww..come on, I didn't commit any crime.
It happened to me.
I didn't look for it.
I didn't make it happen.

It happened to me.

DESTINY

I was reading a 'FACE READING' book, written by a reknown HongKong fortune teller/fengshui master.

There was a particular type of face shape that describes the person's mental destiny.

"This is a very bad face shape. The person is destined to struggle with mental problems his/her whole life"

My heart sank.
The picture shown in the book is similar to my face shape.

I'm currently merely living out my destiny?
How much of control do I have over it?

****the traffic light I pass by everyday to work****
Father once told me how exhilarated he was when he woke up without pain in his leg.
Suddenly, he felt so blessed, so lucky.
Many people woke up without pain in their legs that same morning, but I'm sure he's the happiest one.

I have not been feeling anxious or depressed for the past weeks.
Many people wouldn't understand just how relieved I feel.

I was at a McD waiting.
A very energetic McD staff was clearing the table next to me.
He was mumbling to himself, "mesti clear cepat-cepat, mesti bersih-bersih,nanti boleh rehat" - translation "must clear quickly, must be clean, then rest"
I was very amused and smiled at him.
Till now, I don't know if he's 'special' or he's simply a very enthusiastic worker.
No matter what he is, I admire his approach to his work very much.

Afterall, how many people left in this world who are truly enthusiastic about their job?

I was severely depressed for more than a year.
A year of hopelessness and despair.
I didn't bother with many things in my life.
The white car was left unwashed for many many months.
Sometimes, my brother will help to 'clean' it time to time.
But his standard of cleanliness is far from my usual satisfactory standard.

Since last month, my new medication has helped me 'start over'.
Feeling normal and all, I began to caring about things in my life again.
Many of which includes this car.
Due to it's paint, it has accumulated a lot of stubborn stains.
Washing/polishing by hand would be hard.
So, I decided to send it to the 'specialist'.
It cost a bomb, but looking at it now, makes it worthwhile.

If only I could make the 'stains' in my life go away this easily too.

Forgiveness is Dead

The radio station was discussing on the topic of FORGIVENESS.
Many people call in, confessing just how sorry they are for not patching up with the people they cared for, till it's too late.
Usually it's death that brings forth the guilt.

I was thinking about the people whom I truly am mad at.
Honestly, I don't care if they die.
In a way, they are dead to me anyway.
It was when I stopped caring for them, that I stopped getting hurt.
Does it make me a bad person?

In the past, I cry each time I quarrel with them or when they disappoint me.
But when I stopped caring for them, the pain went away instantly.
When I tell myself that these people shouldn't matter in my life,
I started living better, more focussed, happier.

Is that bad?

Shadow of Darkness

I truly wonder if I have the spirit to continue fighting...

Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel the inclination to fall.
There seems to be a shadow of darkness following me close by.
If I'm not careful, if I 'm paying not attention for just a minute, the dark shadow will overtake me, swallowing me awhole.
So, I have to continuously look over my shoulder to make sure that I always take the lead and not the darkness.

Below are entries written 2 weeks ago.
To my utmost surprise, I actually found a depression support group in my city. I've always thought these groups don't exist in Malaysia. So , there I was last week.

Again, I was surprised by the attendees. I can relate to them very much. They may come from different age group, race, economic background, yet I feel a strong connection with them.
The pain that we had to go through, that was what bonded us together.

Although we didn't get too personal, some of the things discussed were close to my heart. I did feel encouraged.

Finally, for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'less alone' in this struggle.

for the first time, in a very long time,
I felt 'that things may brighten up'

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I might just get better'.

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I just might be OK.

Written a week ago,
I'm very grateful that I haven't had any anxieties at work yet.
In my past experience, I always have anxieties within the first few days of work.
I'm giving credit to the new medication I'm taking, SULPIRIDE.
However, I'm quite confused as why I'm taking it because I'm diagnosed BIPOLAR_BORDERLINE.

My dear readers, I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this 'normal'.
No worries, No quick heartbeats, No anxieties, No Fear.

To some people, going through an ordinary day is mundane.
But for me, ordinary means BLESSING.

Last Sunday, I drove 30 mins to have dinners with my Depression Support Group members.
It was so comforting to see familiar faces waving at me when I arrived at the restaurant.
My friend asked, "I thought you wouldn't come because you were afraid to travel".
I answered, "I decided to start making changes in my life".
She gave a very wide smile.