much needed comfort

****At about 6 a.m in Bangkok, view from hotel room****


The moment I came home, I saw sis.

"Did you had fun?"
"Yeah, I tell you all about it later. I"m now too dirty and tired.Need to bathe first."
Rushed up without saying anything else.

After my bath, I couldn't contain it anymore and went downstairs, interrupting my sis's telly watching.

"Jie, I tell you something ah... You promise don't tell anybody ah. It's about my trip..."

After my story, I was very much comforted that my sister shared my horror of the experience.
I couldn't answer her questions,
"Why lar? Were they really drunk? Who organised wan?"
For the first time in 3 days, I wasn't alone in my opinion.

After a few minutes I tucking myself into bed, I knocked my sis's door and took an extra pillow from her room.

Half asleep-ing ly, "I need an extra pillow to hug lar. I too traumatised."

My sis was very sympathetic, "Aiyo, poor thing..."

Interpretation.

This is the main key to effective communication.

Everyone has their own style, rule and standards.

How do we reach a compromise?

And more importantly,

Is there ever a time where we could justify our stand in NOT compromising?

I'm currently at the lobby, waiting for the tour bus, waiting to regroup.
This is my last time walking on the grounds of this lobby.

The internet here is quite ok.

Unfortunately, the service was a bit slow.
Waiting for the staff to initiate my logging in, took off a great deal of time .
Thus, now not much left for me to put my thoughts down without hurry.

Thailand is a great nation.
The people are resilient and proud of their identity.

I had been diligently reading the Bangkok post and am pleased that I've learned a little more about their country according to their version of news reporting.

I know this is very cliche, but I have learnt more about myself here as a person than what I've experienced as a Malaysian tourist.

Blend in, or at least be unnoticed, because the nail that is sticking out gets hammered on.

My group leader kept asking me if I'm alright.
My continuous smiles and nods didn't seem to have convinced him.
Generally, everyone here has been extraordinarily accomodating towards me.

And yet,




I cried my eyeballs out last night.
What is wrong with me?

I just have to blog in Bangkok.
Come on, I'm here.
Being away from Malaysia for the very first time.

It's the THE opportunity.

I"ve been a pain.
A real pain.

Remember my story about me sticking out like a sore thumb?
Now, it's an understatement.

Yes, I'm a very negative person.
I was brought up based on Murphy's Law.

Compliments rarely come by and I was taught that I didn't deserve any.

Yesterday, my father came to visit.
"Hun, you look prettier..."
"Really? Maybe it's because I'm happier".

Last night, my sis interrupted me in a middle of a conversation outside a bank, "Eh, Hun... yeahlar, you DO look prettier."

Whatever this craze is going,

I'm enjoying it...!!

Bangkok! I'm coming!!

Here I am, at 10pm, still in office.
Stucked at the dead end, on two assignments.
Can't think of any more names.
Can't get myself out of the BOX!

Can I do this?
Will I be fine?
Am I going to be fine?

Oh Lord, what's in store for me?

Yesterday, my sis and I were talking.
She is having some trouble at work.

She said, "Well, I'll just have to hang on a little while longer."
I replied,

"Funny. The last time I told myself that, I got mad."

2 Corinthians 4;16 -Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen , but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Would you believe me if I told you this verse came to me in a vision back in 2000, whilst I was in a conference. It just came to my mind.

Years later, I bumped into this verse. I wondered if everything was planned by the Man above?

All of a sudden, as if we were already in a middle of a conversation, I said,

"I might not be able to recognise myself this time next year ."

My confused friend, "Err,, Oh...... Kay."

Actually, I just let out the conclusional part of my self-thoughts.
In my mind, I was recalling how low I felt last Friday when I sat in the same table with the rest of the female colleagues.
Account Execs, Media Buyers, Graphic Designers...
All so hip, gorgeous, fashionable, mature, fit into the picture like a perfect puzzle piece.

But me? Sticking out like a sore thumb.
Then, I was thinking....
Ok..., maybe I can change a little here and there.
Change for the better.
Change only if I'm comfortable and happy with the sort of changes I make.
I continued with my own thoughts when suddenly, I blurted out

"I might not be able to recognise myself this time next year."

I accompanied my sister to a shelter home.
I brought some chocolates and sweets.

There were only two of us.
A very energetic 8-year-old asked me,
"Are there more coming, and will they come again?"
My heart broke.
He's enquiring about people whom he hasn't met, but he's more interested to know if they're the type who will come again.

I sat there for a few minutes and saw another group of people stopping buy , giving generous offerings of groceries.

A few minutes later, another came.

I sat there, realising that the children doesn't lack food.

They lack attention.
Here, people just come and go.
Hardly any who would consistently be around them, paying attention to them, as individuals.

Oh Lord, please remind me of what I have wished for today.

Please remind me.

We were sitting on the sofa waiting for the very much anticipated Ugly Betty. - I let out a girlie-excited squel when Henry said, "Oh, I always know it's you when you say 'It's Me', on the phone." "You make my mouth dry too"

#Ong Chee Leong and Ying Ying’s mother Jess Teh has been charged with murdering Shearwey Ooi Ying Ying, three, whose brutal death stunned the nation. #

My friend commented, " The cruelest act inflicted upon you can only be by your own family, what more your own mother. "

I kept quiet. I know she reads my blog.
I wonder if she realised , I had been saying that several times- in various ways, about my own family's cruelty. Mostly about my mother. When instead of birthright love, I redeemed insane confusion from people who were supposed to love me most.

Having read this, she now understands the awkward silence.

What I learnt was to write as much as possible.
Editing is always easier than adding.

When I presented my script to my group, there was a real awkward situation as they have never faced someone like me before.
So totally out of their own circle.

It turned out, I had used a whole different style they wanted.
They said that the English I used is too 'formal'.

I'm really OK with the comments.
To me, they're little steps to better myself.
However, due to my blur facial expression, I'm worried that they might think otherwise.

I have postponed this entry for a very long time.
It has been suggested on my mind several times but I dismissed the thought.

Now, I changed my mind.
I want to blog about it.

When I write, my mind focuses on the choice of words and flow of thoughts.
Little or none is on grammar and tense of the sentence.
Most of the time, when I'm done typing, I merely check spelling and that's it, click -*publish post* FINITO.

Therefore, I'm not surprised to find language rule mistakes when I reread my old posts.

Embarrassed-yes,

Sorry-no.

My approach towards writing has always been this way.
Back in college, I wrote an essay - Beautiful Sue -written on 24th http://teasips.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_archive.html

This essay was meant as an entry to join a contest. That's why I did it in a few minutes. I even got the names of the character mixed up when I repeated them later in the essay. Grammar mistakes were abundant.

My friend read it and took that as the core reference of my standard of English. I kept explaining to her that I can take a grammar test and even score better than her.
But all fell to deaf ears.
I didn't mind.
Until..................

The results of the final English term paper was out.
I was the only one in class to get an 'A'.
Most people will just let it go because it's really not that significant.
But that friend claims that there's something seriously wrong with the examiner, because she's got a 'B' and I an 'A'.
And she's seriously-note the emphasis ,considering to appeal for reexamination of the paper.
Yes, she said that to my face.
Repeatedly.

Can you believe that we are still friends?

We were asking each other what is our favourite time of the day.

A friend shared that being alone on the toilet throne gives her great peace.
Another that 7pm makes him feel calm and glad that the day is almost over.

I didn't think much of it then.

But today, each time I was in the toilet, I kept recalling my friend's explanation. And I find myself agreeing totally to what she said.

7pm had just passed.

I'm glad we had that discussion.
Now, I shall be reminded of the daily joys that are easily available to me.

I fell asleep holding the praying rosary in my right hand last night.

In my dreams, there was a dog who was initially very friendly suddenly bit my right hand, refusing to let go.
I remember that everyone was panicking but I was calm.

The dream is too extraordinary, because when I woke up, I felt very strange. So much, that I had to check up the dream dictionary.

It interprets -" that you have lost your ability to balance aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals. "

I don't know what to think............

A fortune teller once told me that I'm too 'straight' - literal translation from Chinese.
I don't bend enough to fit into the crooked lifestyle that is inevitable in today's world.

I went to the Chinese Medical shop last night and asked that he recommend something for my cough.
I bought what he recommended without question.
When I'm home, my mother told me that both my traditional medicine has expired.
I inspected and to my great disappointment, I discovered she's right.

I had trusted that shopkeeper. And he had used that against me, just to make a few bucks.

Later that night, I met up with M and told her about a certain controversy that's taking place in the office.
I told her that I don't see what's the big fuss about.
But I agree with her that I'm far too naive.
There are a certain ugliness about human nature that doesn't seem to sink into me.

Another incident comes to mind.
Years ago, I bought a cake with cracks on top of the cream layer.
I asked the sales assistant what's with the cracks.
Any fool would know that the cracks happened because it isn't fresh anymore and prolonged refrigeration had caused the smooth surface to crack.
But she said, "Oh, it's supposed to be like this. Part of the design."
Like a 2-year-old , I believed her.
And bought the cake.

Now, having lived a few years more.

Have I finally learnt my lesson?

“The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter, and that this humiliation is seen by everyone.”
Milan Kundera (Czech Novelist, Playwright and Poet, b.1929)

Another great quote I learnt from Criminal Minds, the series.

I, like many other ladies my age, do hope to fall in love, start a family and be happy like in the book.

But how could I?

How a person like me dare start a relationship?

And when I truly like someone, or when I truly care for someone, I would definitely want the best for him.

I don't see myself anything remotely close to the best.

I'll just have to look away.

In the office, bad words like F***, B****,S***,T*** is very very common.
They use it as often as words like 'you' and 'me'.

I don't think they have any bad agenda , it's just a way of communication for them.
And I never hold that against them.

Just now, something very unexpectedly and inconveniently FELL from its origin place.

I cursed.
The very same word that is always used in the office.

Sigh... I'm so susceptible.

But I still hold myself fully responsible.

I visited my father yesterday.
We've not seen each other for 2 months.
He's got a new hair cut.
I found him chatting with an elderly native Chinese couple.
Not only is my father Chinese-ed, he speaks with great flair.
Therefore, the couple thought my father must have been educated up to tertiary level.
My father let out a nervous snort and explain that he was never such.

My mind travelled.
I would immediately agree that my father is very intelligent.
He can recall the exact month and year of events that have taken place so long ago , that you wouldn't dare rebut.
He has great mathematical skill and talent of twisting one's sentence into something very manipulative or if you're lucky, simply funny.

But my father is hardly wise. - I'm sure you'd know the difference.

I see the same mal-used talent in my brother and sister.

I fear so much that the legacy also runs within me.

A curse of the family?

As I opened the car door, I stepped on something really mushy.
I immediately retracted my foot.
I looked at it.
OMG , it's moving.
At first, I thought it's a rat.
But why is it struggling like that?
Looked closer, it's a newly born kitten!

Later that night, I could still hear that poor kitten whimpering for its mother.
I searched the house but couldn't find any old baby bottles although I'm sure my mom keeps them.
Sigh...
I made some milk - out of powder and used a little plastic spoon to feed that poor little one.
Poor thing, its eyes aren't even opened yet but its mother had abandoned it.

As soon as it felt the milk, that poor creature rushed towards my direction which startled me very much because I thought it was too weak for such strength.
My heart broke seeing that it's not capable of drinking the milk from the tiny plastic spoon.
It's the mother's warmth and tits that this little un needs.

How is this little creature going to survive when its own mother isn't there?

I was sitting at the pub, wondering how did I end up there.
My bosses were having a gala time.
My seniors were letting out all their stress, converting into guffaws and bit gulps of alcohol.

I left with the cleaning lady at 10.30pm which is translated as VERY early to the rest of the crowd.

I'm home now, about to sleep.
Am still wondering the same thing...

How am I going to fit in?

A friend of my sister's told her that I'm just as talkative as my sis.
This disturbs me.
I was that talkative?
Opps..
She said that being around me, she need not think of what to say ...
Yikes...

Watched Harry Potter - Order of the Phoenix preview yesterday.
Towards the end of the movie,
Voldermort was manipulating Harry's poor mind with all the dark thoughts, confusing him with genuine memories.

All the thoughts that we, ourselves possess in our daily lives.
Harry fought back that manipulation with his own personal happy memories.

The way the flashbacks played in his head were very touching.

Friends and love ones hugging him.

Laughter , and the sight of people he cares most about.

The kind of image that we hope will play in our own minds as our whole lives flash beyond our eyes before we die.

How many of us have that sort of conscious memory ready in store?

I worry, what might flash in my mind second before death.
Would my sub-conscious mind surprise me?
A pleasant surprise , I hope.

I walked up the stairs for the first time as an employee.
I smelled a scent.
It's very familiar.
I could identify the scent very quickly.
Much quicker than my previous attempt.

I smelled that back when I was a waitress at the Japanese restaurant.

...........That's how I know that I'll stick around this time.

I joined an eating contest today.
When I saw two other contestant gobbling down their last muffins,
I voluntarily gave up and just chew the remains in my mouth nonchalantly.

I was given a Kenny Rogers meal voucher as a consolation.

Yes.
It was fun.
Will definitely try again.

The popularity of perfume is down to its feel-good factor - it can uplift and transform us. Smell is the most powerful of all our senses: it provides the quickest chemical responses in the brain and is closely associated with our emotions. Smells encountered in childhood can be lodged into the memory and reawaken years later. Often you'll be aware of the memory before the aroma which evoked it: you can find yourself involuntarily reliving an experience and not pick-up on the connection between the smell and the memory.
Source http://www.fuk.co.uk/history/fuk1/perfume.html


My favourite time of the day.
I was relaxing on bed, listening to the radio.
Then, I smelled it.
I couldn't point my finger to it.

What is it? Where have I smelled it before?

What is it reminding me of?

Why am I captured by this?

Then it dawned to me.
It reminded me of my stay at my aunty's home back in Penang, many many years ago.

If I could bottle this scent, I would name it STABILITY ; PEACE

I was at my hometown.
I strolled around,

looking at the massive change of modernization.

The place has evolved into a very fast-paced vibrant town.

But in my mind,
'I hate this place, I hate this place'.

My thoughts travelled to the movie, DaVinci Code.
When Sophie said she hates history, Langdon replied,

"Nobody hates history. We only hate our history."

I agree.
The place is very beautiful.
I don't hate the place.

I hate the memories it retrieved from me each time I in it.

The Different Sides of Ourselves

We tend to react very differently at various situations, due to the many roles we play, and the 'colorful' people we deal with all the time.

• being very annoyed at very petty things which you readily admit that you are also occasionally guilty of committing.
• fiercely scolding a person who clearly deserves it, (which you'll never feel sorry for)
• doing selfless charity work.
• being cruel because it's best but hating yourself so
• keeping quiet though you know you could have made a difference.
• feeling guilty for being too harsh at someone.
• portraying a very confident communicator/public speaker.
• demonstrates conviction in both mentality and actions
• demonstrates good leadership skills.
• succumbing to pressure of the majority/ superiority
• allowing yourself to be short-changed/bullied (because you didn't want any trouble)
• giving up your opinions / beliefs for the sake of priorities.

I'm sure all of us find ourselves familiar with similar situations above.

The question is,

Which side of us ; can best signify who we ARE?

I think yesterday was the most fruitful day of my entire 6 months of 2007.

I was at M's cell group meeting and during prayer time, a newly acquainted friend prayed for me.

"Lord, please direct her path as you have blessed her with writing talent...."


I was dumbstruck.

It's not often I am connected to words like 'blessed' and 'talent' together in a sentence.

...........................................................

It's my first time venturing job interviews after the FALL.

I was going over many preparational thoughts in my head before going in.

And like many things we planned, it always turned out differently.

*Fingers crossed*

###############################

I wore make-up today.
Shaped eyebrow and styled my hair with some leave-on conditioner .

I was very nervous when I left the house.
I didn't really look at myself enough.

Right before I enter the interviewer's room,
I looked at myself once more at the mirror.

I was very surprised at my appearance.
I looked so different.

I thought I looked............................

nice. ^_^

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
-Kahlil Gibran

I have very little or perhaps no confidence at all within myself.

Previously I had worked in jobs which many would agree that it's beneath what I've been educated for.
But due to my crumbs of remaining self-worth, I was actually complacent with the position.

Until lately.

Perhaps due to my exposure to the outside world and no longer hiding in my house - My confidence grew a little and I had attempted to apply for writing jobs.

Was called up for interviews and now I'm sweating.

Wish me luck.

I have insurmountable respect for people who take their work very seriously.
It's easy to spot them.
They're the ones who actually CARE about their service, products, customers, complaints.... etc..

Those highest in my list are usually those in the lower level of hierarchy.
Despite the lack of respect the general public has towards them, they still hold great pride in their work.

I've witness with great admiration -

• A security guard rearranging the bank forms, picking up litter, directing 'lost' customers.
• A security guard getting people in a government hospital to take numbers in a queue , later explaining in his own microphone voice about the flawed system and how we, the patients should understand.
• Genuine smiles and little chats from customer service people.

I've witness with great distaste -

• Rich people taking tons of bank documents, Ikea pencils (intended for one-per-customer to fill out their order), toilet paper. They don't need those stuff, they simply do it because they can.
• People who talk down unto others thinking that they're more superior. (delusional)
• Smart mouth people who openly criticise or behave disrespectfully thinking that the opposite party didn't hear/ couldn't understand/ wouldn't be hurt by their actions.

If I could have ONE gift, it would be the gift of the movie, "Shallow Hal" - to be able to see another person's true worth, inside- out.

after 2 weeks of scratching the dark red itchy rash all over my body, I was hoping that the Doc will start to take me more seriously.

Instead, it was another jab on the arm, ( which left me momentarily half paralysed) and the same old medicine.

Two days.

I'm giving it another two days before I seek a different opinion.

I have an American E-pal who is also a struggling mental-patient.
Though she has access to better health care and support, she remains very understanding of my situation.

I tell her everything that is in my mind - Unedited.
It was in her strong opinion that I'm not ready to function 'outside' and needs to spend more time 'recovering'.

I know she means well.
I also know that she'd agree with me that

in the 'world' I'm living,

there's no patience nor understanding sufficient enough

for me to take time off for 'recovery'.