All my life, till now even - I've always felt stupid, inadequate, the odd one, unworthy... simply - LOST.

Even if you see me now , you'd agree that I look very blur.

So, when I receive praises like these...

"You can really write very well." " You're talented." "You've really got something going on." "You have a lot on the ball."

It's comforting to receive them but immediately I ask myself,

"if so, then why am I in this current sad state?"

Marriage.

Due to the fact that I'm the offspring of the UNhappiest and CRAziest marriage ever, this word scares the hell out of me.

But still,
I believe that there are marriages that DO work out.
Marriages that ARE truly happy.

Back in college, I met an ex-schoolmate who then told me her plans to study this .. pursue this...
Then months later, BAM! Through email, she told me that she's already married and expecting a baby girl soon.
*calculating with fingers* Baby Hannah must be at least 5 years old now.

Just today, also via E-mail, a another peer told me she's already registered. So, she's also a married woman - legally.

W-O-W...........

I believe that once you're above 18 onwards, any age number is suitable for marriage.
As it's a personal matter, only your own personal timing will be the RIGHT timing.
There were several times I debatted with friends about the 'RIGHT' time.

All the age calculations, all the emotional 'insurance'.
Yes, all the criterias are very rational .

But nobody can calculate the one main ingredient that makes us want to marry.

Your love for your partner.

How do we calculate that?
No math genius can calculate the estimated appreciation and depreciation and the risks involves and the kind of insurance we have buy upon it.

I'm sure everyone really meant their wedding vows, everyone did hope that 'till death do us part'.
But in the end, we can't calculate the feelings for each other in the coming years ahead.

However, I remain surprisingly optimistic.

There are so many types of risk in life.

This risk of marriage is definitely worth taking.

I was chatting with an online pal.
I replied,

"Society is very unforgiving and intolerant of anything out of their own norm"

Then, he cut and pasted it in his msn message.

--Felt a teeny wee bit flattered but got over it very quickly because I know it's a very UNoriginal statement.

which is the worse tragedy?

A bad minister in a good government;

or a good minister in a bad government ?

"Are you working or studying?"

When I'm asked this question, I get quite paranoid.

• why ah? I look immature?
• I need to put on make up?- must be my lack of grooming
• my clothes? - boohoo, let's not even go there
• I behave very immaturely?
• was it something I said?

My fav. series Criminal Minds is back on 8tv. I like it so much because it has many great quotes...

Reid: Mr. Garner, a fisher king wound cannot be healed by somebody else. It's... it's not a wound of the body. It's a wound of the memory, a wound of the mind. It's... it's a wound that only you can find, and a wound that only you can heal.

"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."- Rose Kennedy.

When I reread some of my previous writings,
I go either

• Wow,...... I wrote that ? =)

or

• Aiyo, what was I thinking? !!@ !

I went to the 7-Eleven to fax my application to a prospective employer.
The staff took copies of my application letter and proceeded with the transaction.
When she was done, she told me that only 5 of my 6 pages went through and asked me to call the company to see which one was missing.
I tried to call but no answer for I presume the company works half day or not at all on Saturday.

Upon looking at the fax confirmation slips, I realized only 3 went through. I tried to explain to the staff that this is not good, when she has charged me Rm5 for 3 papers which went through and worst, she doesn't know which didn't.

I requested her to redo the whole process because I didn't want incomplete application papers because it looks bad on me, especially when I'm trying to make an impression to my prospective employer.

She threw Rm2 at me and told me to fax again ELSEWHERE!

I was very shocked at her rude behavior as I was being exceptionally polite about it since it was her mistake that cause all this frenzy.

Her more polite colleague helped me redo the entire fax and charged me Rm6. By then, I have no strength left to argue about the Rm3 they owe me for the previous error.

While waiting for the second faxing process, I was still confused as to WHY was the Indian staff who did for me the first time reacted so badly when she made a mistake? I wasn't mad at her.

Then, it came to me. It was time for her to go home and I was perhaps delaying her.I guess I have to go somewhere farther away to fax in future.

*** I sent out four copies of a similar testimony above to the local newspapers and the 7-Eleven management itself. I feel good that I didn't lose my temper, and have chosen to react better compared before.

At 8.15 am, as I was almost ready to leave the house, my boss of my part-time job called to tell me not to come in today. She’s needs to handle an unexpected affair. (decent ones la)

I thought, “Oh my God, I’m FREE this whole day!”
The unexpected off-day caught me by pangs of exhilaration.

“I need to do something really fun!”
I can…

• Call friend A, invite her go jalan-jalan at Ikano. No, she might be busy. Friend B? She told me that she’s interested to pay Ikano a visit this weekend.
  
• Or perhaps, I should just go by myself, to avoid all the hassle of planning?
  
• Maybe I can go to the National Library to read that book which I can only find there? (old and out of print, tempted to just steal it but had the future generations in mind. NO lar, am just too coward)
  
• Go to that bookfair (is it this week?)
  
• Go to that public forum (no! that was last week!)
  

Then, I came to my senses…
Who am I kidding? What I really need to do right now are household chores; get some serious hard news reading (have not been following), watch some mindless tv programs and some good laze rest. SLEEP!!

But the whole 10 mins of activity planning in my head was fun…

Writing is my only method of therapy. I was hoping that that through expressing myself the best way I know how, I could find an avenue of solace.
My 50 something British pen-pal who is married with two daughters, has shown much empathy and understanding on the unpopular topic of depression. She queried on what triggered my mental breakdown.
I tried to explain as honest as I could in my 3rd letter, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. Barely on the 2nd page, I was already crying and my chest tightening. I could no longer continue. I reread my own writing.

Although I know I was being very truthful, I couldn’t believe that my testimony is real. It can’t be true! I must have exaggerated to make myself seem the poor innocent victim!

My chest continues to tighten, tears continue to fall. I know I didn’t exaggerate. That’s why it hurts so much.

Maybe this method of therapy isn’t working as I hoped it would. Now, I dare not mail the letter. I wrote the truth therefore, it sounds just as crazy as my life. I can’t let my pen-pal read such thing.

Will I ever be capable of finding my own tiny share of peace and joy in this world?

Weird.
That has always been used to describe me.
I can’t be offended because honestly, I think I’m weird too.

But there is one thing that I wish I can make a FEW people understand.
-That I’m real.
-That I’m sincere.
All the things I’ve said, all that I‘ve done or tried to do…it was all true from the heart, without any added 'intention'
And it's a great pity that you couldn't see it.

I’m so REAL that I’m harming myself by being so,

because in today’s world,

REAL is a bad word.

I'm trying hard to fit in now.....................

I shall take a deep breath before I take my place on stage.

was watching Grey's Anatomy.
People in pain behave out of their usual norm.
We all can understand that.

In the midst of struggling with both the pain and the confusion as to WHY he/she is suffering...

;the sufferer just can't hold on to her own good sense.

Besides the loss of health and other possibilities, the sufferer loses the ultimate ownership.

The personality.

I deal with toddlers everyday at work now.
I see them as pure as the ingredients we sow from the far far away village.
True to nature , Unpolluted, free from all forms of impurities.

We adults are now so....... 'manufactured' with artificial coloring and flavoring and preservatives...

At the end of the day we ask.......

How come?

I have very very bad itchy rashes at the back of my knees.
I recognise this enemy... it's my usualy allergies....

What happened?.........
My mind went back and forth... recollecting anything I did out of the norm...

think.... think... think....

Then it struck me,

I re wore the same pants to work... I must have accumulated a lot of sweat the first time I wore it but didn't realised...
That is the ONLY explanation I can come up with at the moment...

scratching... scratching.. scratching... scratching... scratching.... scratching.. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGr ..gr....GRRRRR!!!

I learn this quote from the bookstore's meeting room. It was pasted on the noticeboard, meant to encourage the staff.

"Don't let what you can't do deter you from what you can do"

I forgot the author.

I'm thinking....

Let writing be my best therapeutic method.

I shall write

and write and

write my heart out.

The Pain is very much still lingering.
I keep myself busy to avoid mind activity of my memories.

But sometimes, it comes visiting...
Like a leakage....
The mere touch of the dark past brings tears to my eyes...
I must very quickly shut the faucet because I don't want swollen eyes...

Apparently whistling isn't enough.

Remember the quote,
"Everyone is ready to learn, but not always ready to be taught" ?

Well, I always enjoy seeking knowledge (like many), and am quick to admit my errors and shortcomings (unlike many).

BUT, what I truly dislike is when people correct me with the intention to boost their own ego under my embarrassment expense.
Oh, come on......... Don't you think we wouldn't know if your intentions are genuine? For a Miss-Know-It-All, don't you know the right way to communicate your intentions? (ok, this is way too dramatic)
Here I am, trying to have a conversation with you, and you interrupt me with the nitty-gritty ,opinionated , highly arguable details about my speech.
It's like, "I know this, and you don't....neh , neh , neh... "
Is your ego really that sore that you thirst for such fetish?

Sometimes, I want very much to retaliate and correct the perpetrator's mistakes. (who doesn't make them?)
But I thought,
"Don't do unto others, what you don't want others do to you."

So, I play the bigger person.

I didn't realised that I haven't really 'been out' for such a long time.
I went to the SgBuloh train station.
The roads had brand new surface, new parking lots, new roof for the waiting area, and what?!!! the newspaper stand is gone!!
I can't buy my newspaper.
What am I going to read during the entire journey?

In train.
I peeped over to read my neighbour's 'The South-East Asia of the World'.
It had many pictographs. Pages were all yellow.
Borrowed from the Convent Bukit Nanas.
Too bad the rightful reader kept closing and then reopening the book.
I think he was trying to memorise some facts for exam;

like how all Asian students do.

Ugly Betty

"Sometimes it's not our own family who will love us most, but the family we make ourselves."

If you don't understand, just accept the fact that you are protected from this ugly truth.

Marc : "Well, it's her loss because I'm fabulous."

Many preach about forgiveness, releasinng bitterness, disallowing hatred to harbour, and all the fanciful philosophical words.

Let me tell you why those crap don't work for most people; - who are truthful enough to admit they can't achieve the impossible.

The shield works because we are too weak to be injured again.
It is our animal survivor instinct to protect and defend ourselves.
So, till you can take all responsible for MY being - back OFF!!

Tariq, Taufiq, Wafiq, Fariq, Afiq, Ariff, Akiff, Nashan, Nazrul.... etc..

Tomorrow they will wear a whole different set of clothes and my brain wouldn't recognise the old software version I downloaded today..

=)

How to know when I've reach another phase in life?

Back in college, the first thing I was asked by newly acquainted friends,
"Do you have a boyfriend?"

Now, first day of work,
"Are you married?"

I dread the next phase............................

The Star paper told the story of teacher Hirotada Ototake.
Born without arms or legs, journalist-turned-author-turned-teacher overcame his barrier and created phenomenal success with his book, "Nobody's Perfect".

He quoted in his interview,
"There are things that only I, in my situation, can teach children."

Bravo.

Which made me ponder. Anybody who strive despite all shortcomings *regardless what kind* and live to tell, we too can say the same.

First day of work in the Kindy.
It's alright.
Loads of children names to remember.
Afiq, Wafiq, Tariq, Taufiq,... oh.. get this - Anakin!!!

Very inspirational.
I shall name my son,

Skywalker.

This is one of the many moments where I wished I had a camera phone.

I was at a junction, ready to make a turn at a 'cross only if you have guts' type of traffic.
As I was waiting for the right gap between the moving cars to happen, I noticed a very cute male driver. He looked like he's in his early twenties but with a lady and little kids in the car, I had to guess that he's the father.
"Wah, very cute papa" - ran across my head.

Then, this superheroic lorry driver tried to be gutsy and overtook me from the left. He could have pulled it off but unfortunately the oncoming traffic didn't allow him to pull the stunt successfully.
So, our hero lorry driver blocked the the entire traffic.
We had to wait for the traffic light in far front to change in order for the hero to escape his stunt.

My point? Just when I thought, "Wah, very cute papa" - that car stopped RIGHT in front of me, due to the blocked traffic.
I could stare at him for a whole 3 minutes.... hahahahaha..
Such an energy booster...

really wish I had a photo to make this story far more interesting.......

I am now watching the movie Perfume.

Yes. Another story about the disturbed mind.

There is one part where this poor Jean-Baptiste Grenouille suffered alone battling his mind because he couldn't find his own scent but could extraordinarily 'capture' all others .

I guess this mind battle has been going on for ages.

We use our entire lifetime trying to make sense all around us, that we can't find our own 'scent'. We have either lost that capability or ruin it ourselves.

I'm sure you'd believe me when I say,

"There are so many types of insanity in this world that the ones in the hospital should be the least worthy of your attention."

First of all, the ones in the hospital admits their shortcomings , are diagnosed and are being treated(regardless of effectiveness).

There are many out there who go unnoticed,
Out to -mislead, -cheat, -steal, -kill and -destroy all that is possible.

You think I'm being dramatic?

Have you not encounter lunacy?

Or perhaps you are part of it?

I found RM5!!!
It was on the floor. I picked it up. Looked around.
No possible candidates for losing that money.
I bought french fries with that money.
Have I sold my soul for french fries?

--------hehehehehehehehehe

****************************************
A new e-pal forwarded this to me.

A danish funny-poet wrote:
Den som kun tar spøg for spøg og alvor kun alvorlig
Han eller hun har fattet begge deler lige dårlig.

Translation attempt:
The person who just take joke for joke and seriousnes just serious
He or she has understood both parts bad.

hint= read it again and again. perhaps u might be able to digest the gist.

The cover in this book is definitely more attractive than the one I found in Amazon.

I just browsed through the last few chapters because I became bored after the first 3 chapters as they all seem similar. However, the sketched pics in the book are really good. Besides its good artist's touch, it also seem to evoke some emotion from the viewers.

I will quote the introductory at the back cover.

" - as the author says, it's potentially autobiographical. In this, her most personal bok, she brilliantly explores nine possible lives. While each is located in deeply familiar territory, whether England, India, or America, and often overlaid with that essenstial Central European family background, each life is born of startlingly different origins and each reveals a different destiny. Here are nine different answers to the central question: what would happen if I were granted an alternative life? "

The pics reminded me of my own. My own drawings from memory. Haha,, it's very childlike as my artistic skill is stunted at that level.

hipo

Hypocrisy = Chanting Holy prayers to KuanYin Goddess for 15 mins.Then, turn around and curse under your breath your dissatisfaction with other people. Pick up phone and gossip with friend.

A German ICQ friend wrote this.

Life's Decay (von mir)

The ether of death running through my veins
decaying my mind, numbening pains
Feeding on the escence of live,
this wasn't for what I strived...

Dying, lying, feigning false future,
sickness ravaging, life's slow departure
Shattering the peace of mind;
hope, belief and their whole kind

Instant death, oh thou shall hear,
my screaming, my begging and my fear
th I have to live another day
of life's and love's slow decay

-Thomas Pietruschka

Long time ago, when I was growing up in SS2, there was this old lady who lived alone in a house directly behind my family.

After she died, her children moved in.
I was surprised that she had family.
Then, I pitied her for having lived alone for so many many years.
Her house was always so quiet.
Too quiet.
The only sound we heard from her house was her old clock chiming.

Now, I feel guilty for being judgemental towards her children.
I had automatically concluded that her children were cruel to their mother, without even considering a different side of their story.
I know , I know, it's none of my business but we can't stop our mind, right?

*************************************
But now after my bad experience, I have concluded that bad people become parents too.
It's a bitter pill to swallow for the children to accept such a fact.
We all know that parents are your closest people, the people who were supposed to care and love you. If there was anything wrong, it's on your side, without doubt.
So, imagine when you realised one day, that white is actually black one day.
After so many years of trying to paint it white..........................

I know, I know.......... I can't help it....

I was paid Rm20 for working 10 hours a day.
Is that wrong?
No, I tell myself.
I tried to be positive and revise all those motivational quotes in my mind. But I just can't.

Below is I, being all emo-drama queen over my allergy rashes. It really itches!!! Don't be confused with date. I was lazy to set them.


What now, .. What now?............... what is my next step?