I was strolling in IKEA when I saw a little girl sipping from a teacup which obviously belongs to IKEA. She drank so convincingly that I wondered if there was beverage in the teacup, although I know it’s not possible.

I wasn’t the only one who was looking. There was another guy in his early 40s who was also very curious to her actions.

That little girl really looked like she having a little tea party with her siblings in the mock up dining area.


Both I and other guy waited awhile to see more.
Little girl noticed our presence and dutifully put back the display items.

Aahh………Life would be so much more colorful if we don’t suppress the child in all of us.

The Little Match Girl.

I gasped.
OMG. Could it be?

I flipped a few pages.

Yes. It is.

I watched the short movie years ago as a child.
Then, even though I couldn't understand the narrator, I knew it was a very touching movie.
I remember that my eyes did swell up.

Like how my eyes got teary when I sang the Christian song 'A Purple Rope' in church when I was just a kid.
I find it fascinating that I could do that as a child.

To first understand with my heart than with my head.

How unfortunate that I have lost that ability.

Remember the sensitive skin I was telling you about?
My fingers and the back of my hand are badly affected due to work.

My skin is trying to tell me that, dermatogically ;

I'm a princess.

******************************************


Today at work, I finally got to make use of my overpriced education.
My colleague asked me to spell ....

{ N-E-G-O-T-I-A-B-L-E }

For the first time ever since working there, I was reminded that I can still

THINK.

I have never been liked, let alone popular around the crowd.
Rejection is strongly linked in my relationships.
No, wait. It's not part of it, it's ALL of it.

Yup, my people skill is THAT bad.


Today, I went into a pharmacy to buy some cream for my sensitive skin.
*I can't even wear watch or have anything foreign against my skin- Thank God I can still wear fabric.

And this little girl, with her big eyes and curly hair, looked at me and smile.
I smiled back, and continue looking for my cream.

Then , I felt a thug on my shirt.
I looked and there she was.
She wanted to hold my hand.

I was like, "Aww, that's sweet, but I'm in great hurry."

I was at the cashier to pay and she was still tugging my shirt.
She handed me her toy.

I took it and hand it back to her but she didn't take it.
I patted her and left, leaving her toy at her feet.

I hope I didn't disappoint that little toddler.

It sure feels good to be LIKED.

The worst thing you could do to a suffering psychiatric patient;

is to tell her that it’s her fault,

when you are her family,

and she already think so too.

I'm now in a cyber cafe,
Listening to classics in headphone to drown the other sounds of customers saving earth from ungodly monsters.
I tell u man, listening to classics and typing WORDs in cybercafe really make me a REBEL!

When I first enter,
it was so hard to make the guy at counter understand that I want a seat and NOT looking for my son. Hahaha. It's kinda funny,actually.

************************************************

I was at the TM phone office today.
They cut off my phone line - which explains my desperate visit to cybercafe.
I was there to explain that I have paid all my bills and they have wrongly penalised me.

But man,,, I have got to WAIT......................
and WAIT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were too many people with their frustrations towards the phone company.
the anger was REAL .

It's like all these people have lost their money to the phone company in the stock exchange.

My friend continued on; talking about all sorts of theories that support the causes of abnormal mental function among us. I listened to them all very intently. I can’t deny that some were rather convincing.

He asked me if there’s any possibility that some ‘evil spirits’ following me. His deductions to this query spooked me.
He was persistent that I should seek help from some ‘holy’ people.
I was scared.


Then, suddenly I came to a conclusion myself that gave me substantial peace.

Evil.

Yes, I have encountered EVIL before.
From REAL PEOPLE.

Hell, I can’t even handle people; why even bother to start with what I can’t see?

I chatted with a friend whom I got to know in the psychiatric ward. He was one of the rare ones who I saw a glimpse of hope for the mental sufferers.

He had spent almost 3 /4 of his lifetime in and out of the ward.
Unsurprisingly, our common topics were only limited to our personal devastating experience as well as our encounters with other patients in the ward.

My memory was so bad that I could only grip a shadow of his testimonial, recalling the people we met together in that awful place.

I felt very intrigued and also saddened by those patients’ stories that this quote came to mind.

“We so love all new and unusual things that we even derive a secret pleasure from the saddest and most tragic events, both because of their novelty and because of the natural malignity that exists within us.”
- Madeleine de Souvre, marquise de Sable, French aristocrat

*so, should we be surprised that that Australian-made online game based on the Cho-SeunHui role playing is a hit?

1st outing

No, I’m NOT alright, but I’ll live.
There, I’ve finally found my tag line.

After many months of self-imprisonment, I went out to meet a friend.
The drive was 20 mins max, but it felt like a whole hour.

We talked.
There were times where my head would hurt.
That usually happens a lot when I try to run through serious thoughts in my mind.

Overall, it was a good outing.

But I do have one grave concern.
Does she know when I’m real and when I’m distracted?

Hell, I wouldn’t even know myself.

my next phase

My memory has been very frail.
Very unreliable.
Sometimes I even have to pause to think what year it is.

But as I chatted with a college friend.
Memories were popping up.
I could draw out the whole setting of the memory snippet.
How we were seated,
the setting, what we talked about.

And most important of all, how I felt at THAT moment.

My friend could only take my word for it.

Such irony…

Obviously such memories only have their worth when I place them in my diary.
**************************
I came across an old journal. I wrote the title of my journal as Dreams and Memories.
And my previous introductory phrase in my blog was Cendolicly Yours. Cendolic- originated from the word Cendol- which happens to be my favourite dessert.
And then later to, Final Notes of a Suicidal, to Suicidally Desperate, to Pathetically Depressive.

Seeing how I have so clearly stated my own mental status, I know.

I DID TRY.

I now anticipate for my next phase of life.

steps

Take pride in my little achievements.
That was advised to me.
And I have to agree , it's really good therapy to oneself.

I applied for a job in a bookstore near my home.
After many months, I have reactivated my mobile phone.

One step at a time.... one step.....

I ponder upon my next little baby step.

Excerpts from the book, A Beautiful Mind:

“How could you, a mathematician, a man devoted to reason and logical proof…., believe that extraterrestrials were sending you messages?”

“Because the ideas I had about supernatural beings came to me the same way my mathematical ideas did,” “so I took them seriously.”

************************************

What is real and what is not?
Why do we blindly let others to sort?
Haven’t we enough trust in ourselves to divide them apart?
Is it too late for us now to start?

I found in this in Stephen King's THE BODY.

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of , because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out.
But it’s more than that, isn’t’ it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away.
And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.
That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."

well said, well said

my nature

I am a worrier.
I am born to be.
It’s my nature.
It’s my curse.

I always seem to get anxious very easily and then inclining to worrisome state. And it usually takes a long time before I could regain proper mental composure.

That's why I've always been in awe with people who are very laidback.
They seem to be calm and collected in all imaginable circumstances.
Unperturbed by any challenges or obstacles.
And yet, everything always DOES come into order for them.
It's as if they had known in advance; so they knew there was never a need to put in serious thoughts in their lives.

They know how to be fun and have fun.

Why is it my nature to be on the other side ?

=5

1. I saw a strikingly similar home on tv which I had invented in my head 2 days ago.
2. Once again I dreamt that I was in a HUGE unfamiliar shopping mall.
3. Made pancakes and ate them all by myself.
4. Reading an American social study text book. Feeling furious that our education system lacks so far behind and still we have the audacity to proclaim - Malaysia Boleh.

My house

It has been a very long time since I have successfully concentrated on an activity that requires THINKING.
I mean, many people agree that watching tv - is a brain cell killer.

I am currently drawing a dream house.
I'm going down with details such as furniture and measurements.
How it should be proportionate and convenient.

and then it dawn to me that I have been on that piece of paper for hours.

My mind was really into to it.

I could really picture myself in it.
Other people in it, going about their everyday lives.

God, have I really gone bonkers?