many other things

A message plain from the heart,

But fear had deter me to start,

Felt not worthy to intrude,

Perhaps my absence is good,

Did think of you aplenty,

Imaging you well and happy,

Many times we hear,

important it is to have friends near,

But in my circumstance,

It's best we keep the distance,

Loads have passed since we met,

But memories of you are well kept.

you generously offered me your Mp3 player/thumbdrive when you came to visit me in the hospital,
you never once complained the food I 'tapau' for you because you always appreciate the thought and effort,
you were always accountable for group assignments,
you always noticed my mood condition and make the effort to make me smile,
you were thoughtful enough to keep fasting Muslim friend accompany during lunch breaks,
you were a good story teller- mamak sessions with you were never dull,
you taught me X'mas carols,
you had hope for me in fashion appearance,
you were the first person to invite me for outing during college,
you took me to church,
you taught me quiet time with God,
you shared newspaper with me, my one passion
you bought me board games when I was in the hospital,
you wrote me a poem,
you gave me pudding and fruits when they were best appreciated,
you let me play your board game,
you mailed me newspaper all the way from Europe,

you mailed me the best X'mas gift ever all the way from the States,

you never stopped writing,

you genuinely wanted to help me improve my computer skills
you talked to me when no one would,
you changed mode of public transportations to see me,
you invited me to your home,
you made me laugh.

yes- it's all of you. I just don't feel worthy of listing your names for your specific favour-debts.

And yet, there are many other things that

I don't remember.

never came,myself to blame

You try to fit in.
Do what everyone does.
Like the things they like, dislike the things they dislike.
Be happy, like everyone else.
Be normal like everyone else.
You say ''one day, I'm gonna be okay"

But you know there's something wrong.
But you're not sure it's inside or outside.
You hope it's neither, but you're certain there's something wrong.
No, there's nothing wrong- you tell yourself.
You say ''one day, I'm gonna be okay"

Don't be so self-conscious. Look at the world around you.
You are ok. Go on. Move on.
And then suddenly you realised the 'wrongness' in you become more obvious, because people around you say you're 'strange', not within the norm line.
You say ''one day, I'm gonna be okay"

You're an adult.
Then you tell yourself, I'm ok - I have my characteristics.
Suddenly there are days when you start palpitating.
A word you didn't understand till you experience it yourself.
Panic attacks.
You are experiencing symptoms of abnormal psychiatry.
Suddenly you fit into the characteristics of the 'mental' jokes you and your friends used to make.
Then, you take medication.
You say ''one day, I'm gonna be okay"

But the 'wrongness' in you never dissolve.
You realised you no longer have the will to live.
You've lost the one essence of survival.
Hope.

The ''one day, I'm gonna be okay" never came,

and only myself to blame.

obvious.

I have been consistently dreaming about myself having to rush for a bath in various different places.
Mostly in places of my past.
I checked in dream dictionaries and they all claim the same.
That I'm in desperate need of cleansing, of a new start.
well, That is obvious.

Ben

I suddenly thought of a childhood friend.
I would say he was my best friend back in Std 1.
He would have most certainly been my best friend had he not hailed from the opposite sex.
Back then, it was impossible. I couldn't handle the merciless and baseless teases from my friends.
He would call me everyday.
His calls made me very happy.
I 'm quite certain his call for me was my every first phone call.
He would sometimes even call to ask the silliest thing.
"Do we have to go to school tomorrow? Yes. Ok. Bye"
"Do we have any homework? No? You sure? Ok. Bye"

I remember he helped me many times.
He brought the complete art utensils for me one day.
How unfortunate that I didn't appreciate it.
I hurt his feelings.
I felt and still do feel awful.

Years later, we met in secondary school.
He was pleased to see me as I him.
We shook hands, then his group of friends pulled him away.
"You don't mix with this type."

Karma.
But till this day, I'm sure he's a nice guy.

changing my mind

I don't want to live.
I want to live.

I don't want to live.
I want to live.

I don't want to live.
I want to live.

I don't want to live.
I want to live.

I don't want to live.I want to live.
I keep changing my mind

Not too long

I watched Grey's Anatomy and there's this one part where this terminally-ill woman telling her daughter,
"It's alright to be sad. But only for just a little while.

Not too long...."

I took a deep breath and sigh. I shut my eyes hard coz I don't want to cry over this television show.

under the sun

I've always enjoyed the sight of laundry under the sun. Even more if there is good wind.
I asked myself why.
I guess I like to see nature take away my trouble.
Seeing how wind and sun taking away my trouble, I somewhat felt assured.

That I'd be able to wear my clothes again, - Thanks to nature.

.....

The book also spoke of SUICIDE.

Of course, each fragment must experience suicide, as it must experience plague and death in a battle and execution and starvation and all other forms of death. It is part of the eternal play.

I'm towards the end

I'm currently heavily influenced by this book,
"Messages From Michael" - Chelsea Quinn Yarbro.

There are seven levels of evolution of the soul; the soul like the body, must develop within certain set limits. There is no express lane to the human understanding. There is only growth, often difficult, mostly painful because so few of you are willing to learn through joy.

The structure of false personality is a formidable one. The fixed, rigid personality is rather like a mountain of granite. Chipping away relentlessly is the sole solution. Depression is the external manisfestation of the internal struggle. Depression, by the way, is one of the only neurotic manisfestations left to the old soul.

who is happier

I remember seeing a guy who's severely physically-deformed.
One look at him and first thing that'd come to mind is _Quasimodo.
Yes, it'd evoke pity what he'd have to live with.

Immediately a thought came to mind.
He has a deformed physique.
I have a deformed mind.
I wonder who is happier?

Haunting memories

My memory is very blur.
I don’t know if it’s the ECT or my personal mental breakdown.
Sometimes I recall things that I wonder if it really did happen.
Memories are mostly painful and disturbing for me.

It was Chinese New Year. I think I was in my teens.
My mother gave us angpows. I was very happy because I should be. It was the first day of the Chinese calendar.
Then, I noticed my brother’s and sister’s packs were somewhat thicker.
I asked them to open.
They both had Rm10 more.
Oh, my God. As I’m recalling this, I’m thinking, it’s true. It really did happen. What kind of mother is that? And why am I still here? I was supposed to move out of here. To build my own identity outside the family. But how was I to know that I was so broken that I couldn’t fly out of the nest, I now don’t even have the desire to live.

Today, I received a Chinese New year card from a ‘friend’. Another memory came to mind. The teacher’s chair was filled with glue and she had asked someone to change the chair for her. That someone changed mine with hers for the convenience that I was in the toilet at that time.
I came back and sat.
This ‘friend’ sits behind me, saw the whole thing and said nothing. Nobody warned me. This was how seriously bad my social life was since…… I was old enough to want to have friends.

KuanLi

I was watching soaps with the 18-month-old toddler, KuanLi.
On tv, there was a guy teaching his friend how to kiss.
Suddenly, KuanLi just came face to face with me and kissed me on the lips!
I burst out laughing!
So cute...........

Lied

Lately, there's another 'phrase' is playing in my head besides
"I'm a bad person''

"You lied''

I wondered why such thought kept playing in my head.
Oh yes, I have been fighting depression since I was 15.
Each time, I'd say to myself - "Ah... it'll be better."
I've told myself every single different version of optimism.

Before a few minutes ago, I didn't know I had lied

It was all ME

I was upstairs crying.
Real bad. I was gasping for air.
My sister came up to check on me.
She wanted to know what happened.
I couldn't talk coherently.
I was gasping for air.

But I could never forget what I wanted to say.
"I really couldn't hear her. I was washing the dishes. It was raining."
My mother was downstairs cursing me.

# # # # #

I opened the gate and ran into the house.
I slipped and fell.
My knee was scratched.
My mother came to looked at me.
No, not to check how I was hurt.
She cursed me.
The scratch didn't hurt.
But later my eyes were wet.
The hand-me-down dress was more important.
# # # # #
I was mugged.
My sis told my dad.
His first reaction?
"See! I told you not to carry a handbag!"
I could never forget that awful smug on his face.
All the awful stories about ladies getting hurt by those chicken-ass muggers didn't even prompt him to ask me if I was hurt.
# # # # #

I was crying at the balcony.
I don't remember why. But I was sad. Really sad.
My shoulders were shaking.
My father saw me.
"So young already so much problems!"
Bam! He slammed the door.

All these are memories. Scars in my heart.
Ah.... Suddenly I have so much to write about.
About all the shitty people in my life.

my outlet

My psychiatrist told me that it's important for me to have an 'outlet' for all my negative energy.
She didn't quite believe me when I told her I have nobody to talk to.
NONE.
She couldn't believe what a loser I am.
I've tried explaining that all my life, I have been trying to make sense out of my life.
I tried to fit into my family,and into at least a handful of friends.
But obviously I have failed.

I'm tired.
Tired of reasoning.
Tired of justifying everything that has happened to me.
That's why I have not written nor read anything of quality for months.
I have given up.

"No,no... no... You try writing it all down into a piece of paper, then throw it away."

I kept quiet.
What? So, what difference does it make?
I just nod and left.
Wondering how long more I'd live.

I'm a Bad person

One of the most obvious symptoms of depression is GUILT.
For the past months, this phrase - "I'm a bad person'' would sum up as my memory verdict.

I know most people would just think that people suffering from depression are just some sorry-ass people who can't stop feeling pityful and feel that the world owes them perfection.

To me, the popular Harry Potter's Dementors had explain depression very well.

In the films, dementors appear to be considerably shorter, and fly rather than glide. In addition, close inspection reveals that the Dementors in the movies contain skeletal torsos and heads.
Being blind, Dementors sense and feed on the positive emotions of human beings to move around, forcing them to relive their worst memories. The very presence of a Dementor makes the surrounding atmosphere grow cold and dark, and the effects are cumulative with the number of Dementors present. Those kept in the company of a Dementor for too long become depressed, and are often driven insane, which is the main source of Azkaban's well-deserved horrible reputation.

Minutes of Fortune

I bought Sports Toto 4D for the first time in my life.
Why?
Because I had the most unusual dream.
And since I’m feeling suicidal, so why not?

So, on the DAY as I glanced through the results………….
Wait a minute!!
I won! I won….. I don’t know how much but it’s definitely enough to make me feel lucky!
Wait… Coz I don’t quite remember the numbers I bought.
So I took out the ticket to double check.
Hahahaha….
The winning number is 8879
I bought 7789.
But believe me, I’m darn glad I bought the ticket.
That few seconds of joy.
Yes. Ladies and gentlemen. Money CAN buy happiness.

Laughing Misery

I remember having mistakenly placed the words in the phrase,
"She laughed until she cried" to "She cried until she laughed"
The listeners of my tale laughed.
I could still remember my friend mimicking that latter expression.
We all laugh at how ridicule it would be.

Lately, I realised that it IS possible.
The pain can be so twisted, that our corresponding expressions get TWISTED too.

Blame Self

All my life, I was instilled with this mentality,
" Don't blame others for your own circumstances, but take control of your own life."
Yes, all self-help books say that.
Logical too.
BUT..........
Lately I discovered another painful truth in my life.
When I didn't blame others, but myself - I got into severe depression.
For years.